Updated January 18, 2018 - 11:58 am
After Oprah Winfrey’s soaring Golden Globes speech, deciding whether she’d want to subject herself to running for the presidency is the hard part. Assembling an administration? That would be a piece of Rachael Ray-baked cake.
To fill most of the prominent roles, Winfrey would have to search no farther than her TV, which I’ve always imagined is swaddled in cashmere, emits pleasing aromas based on her moods and is roughly the size of a football field.
To get an idea of what a President Winfrey administration could look like — after she declares, “You get an appointment! And you get an appointment!” — here are some TV personalities who could fit the bill:
Vice President: Any Kardashian
Pretty much any member of the extended family would bring out the youth vote. Plus, they’re accustomed to having few if any responsibilities.
Chief of Staff: Stedman Graham
He’s basically already doing the job.
Press Secretary: Gayle King
FBI Director: Harvey Levin
The TMZ founder can dig up dirt on anyone — and probably already has.
National Security Advisor: Jerry Springer
He’s seen more violence, and knows more about what triggers it, than just about anyone.
Secretary of Health and Human Services: Maury Povich
Say what you will, but the man knows his way around a paternity test.
Surgeon General: Dr. Oz
Just try to get him to stop giving out health advice. No, really. Please try.
Secretary of Getting Real: Dr. Phil
It isn’t an actual Cabinet position, just like he isn’t an actual doctor.
Secretary of State: Rick Harrison
Ask anyone who’s ever tried to get an extra dollar out of him, the “Pawn Stars” star is one of the toughest negotiators around.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: The Property Brothers
Section 8 housing would be fabulous and, based on their Las Vegas home, probably would have far more waterslides.
Secretary of Transportation: Danny “The Count” Koker
When Winfrey kicks off her presidency by giving every American a car, the “Counting Cars” host will be in charge of tricking them out.
Secretary of Education: The Count from “Sesame Street”
Yes, he’s a puppet. But he’s taught millions of children over the years. That automatically makes him more qualified than some who’ve held this post.
UN Ambassador: Ellen DeGeneres
The next time the ambassadors from, say, North Korea or Iran get out of hand, all she’d have to do is cue up some music. There aren’t many problems so great they can’t be solved by shaking your hips.
Secretary of the Interior: Bear Grylls
Few love the outdoors more than he does. Fewer still know which animals’ waste you can consume in order to survive, should that need ever arise.
Secretary of Defense: Dog the Bounty Hunter
He may not make the country any safer, but at least he’d track down the bad guys if they ever skip bail.
Secretary of Labor: Ryan Seacrest
The man has a zillion jobs. He must know something about working.
Secretary of the Treasury: Howie Mandel
It’s been awhile, but he worked with a banker and briefcases full of money for five years on “Deal or No Deal.” He’ll also soon have a special relationship with the royal family, thanks to former briefcase model Meghan Markle.
Attorney General: Judge Judy
It’s more than a little surprising she isn’t already in office.