Get ready for ‘Life on the Couch of Love’
When it debuted in 2003, “The Surreal Life” seemed harmless enough: Take seven celebrities, stuff them in a house for a couple of weeks and see what happens. But in its six seasons, the series slowly has become the most dangerous force in the history of TV, having somehow managed to out-embarrass Jim Belushi and out-sleaze Geraldo along the way.
The show’s third season, its first on VH1 after being dumped by The WB, was “The Surreal Life’s” coming out party, thanks to its there’s-no-way-this-is-real romance between Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielsen.
Soon after, “The Surreal Life” begat “Strange Love,” which begat “Flavor of Love” and “Flavor of Love 2,” which begat “I Love New York,” “Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School” and the upcoming “I Love New York 2.” (“The Surreal Life” also begat “My Fair Brady,” but no one really seemed to care.)
Suddenly VH1, which had been basic cable’s last outpost for Hootie & the Blowfish videos, became the home of wall-to-wall “celebreality,” with shows starring the likes of Danny Bonaduce, Hulk Hogan, Tom Sizemore and Andrew “Dice” Clay.
Now, the former music channel is applying its patented “Flavor of Love” formula — seriously, is there some sort of tracking device to find people who are missing the shame gene? — to Poison singer Bret Michaels with “Rock of Love” (9 p.m. Sunday).
Like any celebrity on a dating show, Michaels couldn’t possibly need a camera crew to get a woman. He’d surely find someone ready, willing and able just by throwing a rock at any PTA meeting in the greater New Jersey area.
Instead, he’s going to be looking for “love” — or at least a boost in his flat-lined record sales — with women such as Heather, a former dancer at Scores Las Vegas; Brandi M., who brags that she can fit her fist in her mouth; and Bonnie, who says her favorite piece of clothing is her Lynyrd Skynyrd panties.
How could VH1 possibly top this trashtacular spectacle, you ask? Here are a few ideas:
“Survivor of Love”: Two great reality concepts come together when the “Eye of the Tiger” singers look for romance while scrounging for food on a desert island.
“Journey of Love”: Singer Steve Perry must decide which contestants are true groupies and which just started listening to “Don’t Stop Believin’ ” after “The Sopranos” finale.
“A-ha! It’s Love”: The singer/duo/group/band/whatever-they-were goes on various dates that are converted into the black-and-white sketch look of the “Take on Me” video.
“I-Guess-It’s-Considered-Rock of Love”: Fans of the marginally talented Nickelback are offered the chance to date the band member of their choosing. All applicants are then rounded up and deported to the band’s native Canada.
“Love of Love”: Courtney Love, alt-rock’s most famous widow, looks for a husband rich enough that she could finally stop selling off the Nirvana songbook.
” ‘Big Love’ of Love”: The polygamist Henrickson clan keeps adding new wives until somebody starts watching the HBO drama.
“Commutation of Love”: President Bush scours the penal system for the perfect match for Lewis “Scooter” Libby. Then, in the dramatic season finale, he sets her free.
“Grace of Love”: Nancy Grace, the human face of scorn, sets out to find someone who loves missing white women just as much as she does. The series will double as an insurance policy, as Grace has finally realized that if she ever goes missing, there’d be no one to beat the drum for her, night after night after tedious night.
“Celebrity Fit Love”: Two VH1 institutions collide when mildly famous overweight people try to get in shape. Whoever loses the least weight has to date the show’s host, comedian Ant.
“Last Comic Loving”: Two more reality shows collide when comics compete head-to-head. The loser has to date the show’s talent scout, comedian Ant.
“Are You Smart Enough to Love a 5th Grader?”: Mary Kay Letourneau hosts.
“America’s Got Love”: David Hasselhoff, Sharon Osbourne and that British guy, all of whom still seem amazed by the most routine of variety acts, judge the worthiness of suitors for their favorite gender-defying performance artist, Leonid the Magnificent. Expect jaws to drop, eyes to bug out, and at least one judge to storm out in an obviously scripted fit of indignation.
Reality roundup: Speaking of the Hoff, “America’s Got Talent” has made it to the Las Vegas callback round (8 p.m. Tuesday and 9 p.m. Wednesday, KVBC-TV, Channel 3).
Christopher Lawrence’s Life on the Couch column appears on Mondays. E-mail him at clawrence@reviewjournal.com.