Life’s good for characters on USA summer series

When I die -- or, more precisely, when someone unplugs the jar that's keeping my detached head alive, "Futurama" style -- I want to come back as a character on one of USA's summer series.

In the land of USA, everyone's beautiful, money's never an issue and there's almost always some sort of well-appointed guest quarters waiting for you at the end of the day. The only way life there could be any sweeter would be if the streets were paved with gumdrops and candy canes.

Take "Burn Notice" (9 p.m. Thursdays) and Michael Westen (Jeffrey Donovan). Yes, all his assets were frozen when he was forcibly retired by the agency for which he spied. But he was banished to sunny Miami, where he was reunited with his gorgeous, gun-running ex-girlfriend (Gabrielle Anwar), with whom he uses his secret agent skills to help people in need. And for these services, he apparently is paid in designer suits.

On "Royal Pains" (10 p.m. Thursdays), Dr. Hank Lawson (Mark Feuerstein) was unjustly fired by his hospital, but he ended up impressing a German aristocrat (Campbell Scott) who let Hank move into the guest cottage of his so-big-you-can-see-it-from-space mansion in the Hamptons.

This week, they're joined by "White Collar" (9 p.m. Tuesdays) and Neal Caffrey (Matt Bomer), a skilled thief and master forger, who in the span of an afternoon in last year's series premiere was released early from prison, went to work for the FBI and, thanks to a chance encounter in a thrift store, was taken in by a wealthy widow (Diahann Carroll) and given access to both the rooftop guestroom at her posh Manhattan home and a seemingly endless supply of her late husband's vintage Sy Devore suits.

Heck, even straight-laced, by-the-book Special Agent Peter Burke (Tim DeKay), who arrested Neal and with whom he's now partnered, goes home every night to Tiffani Thiessen.

And the new kid on this particular block of Easy Street, Annie Walker (Piper Perabo) of "Covert Affairs" (10 p.m. Tuesdays), has lived the life of a vagabond, backpacking around the world, despite having no visible means of income. And she now lives -- you guessed it -- in her sister's guesthouse. But Annie still shows up for her first day at the CIA, where she was called up despite not having completed her final month of training, in a pair of pricey Christian Louboutins. (Yeah, I noticed. Deal with it.)

None of this, though, is meant as an indictment of USA. Quite the opposite. While pretty much anybody could slap together a crime procedural, it takes a special skill set to pull off this type of light, escapist, perfect-for-summer fare. And these four series represent an embarrassment of riches.

But as fun as the Thursday duo is, Tuesday's "White Collar" and "Covert Affairs" are cable's slickest, sexiest one-two punch. If their lead characters ever were to meet -- during a crossover episode, say, or perhaps during the three-legged race at the USA employee picnic -- the resulting love child would one day rule the cable universe.

In the run-up to this season of "Burn Notice," USA aired a promo quoting my review that called Michael Westen "TV's coolest leading man." But while that was true a year ago when I wrote it, he's since been usurped by Neal Caffrey.

Neal is easily TV's most dapper character not named Don Draper. Now even his ankle monitor -- part of his early release that lets the feds keep tabs on him -- is fashionable thanks to Lindsay Lohan.

And his FBI partner can't help but notice how easily things go for Neal in the playful, caper-filled drama. "How is it that you always get the penthouse suite with the girl," Peter wonders, "and I end up with the sweaty, bald-headed guy in a warehouse in Queens?"

Piper Perabo, meanwhile, gets her Jennifer Garner on in "Covert Affairs," a series that, at least initially, is reminiscent of "Alias," minus all that Rambaldi commotion.

In addition to Perabo -- for whom I fell so hard in "Coyote Ugly," I spent my first night in Vegas in the namesake bar at New York-New York -- USA rounded up a slew of TV's most underappreciated actors: Christopher Gorham, Peter Gallagher and Anne Dudek. Eion Bailey even turns up as the ex-lover Annie says "left like the Baltimore Colts in the middle of the night" and set her CIA career in motion.

Annie was sent into the field early because of her Russian language skills and because she could pass for a high-priced call girl. But it's a different asset that lets you know you're watching USA: a smile so radiant, mere mortals would be advised to wear those lead-lined aprons they give X-ray techs.

Her co-workers, though, will be fine. They have to be. Because nothing bad happens in the summer on USA.

Christopher Lawrence's Life on the Couch column appears on Sundays. E-mail him at clawrence@ reviewjournal.com.