TV’s best, weirdest line up for shot at the Couchies

It’s the one awards show where Kanye West is guaranteed to not rush the stage.

Sure, that reference is old, but so is this TV season. When it began, Kate Gosselin hadn’t set one uncoordinated foot on the “Dancing with the Stars” stage. Sandra Bullock’s husband was just a likable gearhead hosting the not-yet-prophetic-sounding “Jesse James Is a Dead Man.” And the world hadn’t yet heard the name Snooki.

Does anyone else feel like dedicating his or her life to perfecting time travel?

And the Couchies go to:

Best Use of Southern Nevada: Bravo’s “Top Chef”

The sixth season of the hit cooking competition showcased Las Vegas as one of the world’s top destinations for fine dining.

Best Use of Southern Nevada for People Who Don’t Want to Have to Sell a Kidney to Pay for a Meal: Travel Channel’s “Man v. Food”

Host Adam Richman introduced viewers to Hot N Juicy Crawfish, Hash House A Go Go and the NASCAR Café’s Big Badass Burrito that, at 6 pounds and 24 inches, is roughly the size of a baby.

Best Turnaround: VH1

The cable channel finally moved away from its steady diet of tacky dating shows. And all it took was the fallout from “Megan Wants a Millionaire’s” trying for a love match between its “star” and a maniac with a domestic abuse conviction who would go on to butcher the very next girl he dated.

Best Reason to No Longer Be Embarrassed By Your Love of Show Tunes: Fox’s “Glee”

I’m not suggesting it’s a valid reason, simply the best one TV has come up with.

Biggest Waste of a Minute: NBC’s “Minute to Win It”

A grown man was given 60 seconds to knock two oranges into a hula hoop using only the banana dangling from his waist. It was the dumbest thing I saw all year not named Heidi Montag.

Best Reason to Get Off the Couch: Conan O’Brien’s Legally Prohibited From Being Funny on Television Tour

Andy. La Bamba. The “Walker Texas Ranger” Lever. Conan’s arms and legs flailing about awkwardly as though he were an even whiter version of Jack Skellington. Last weekend’s shows at the Palms were like late-night TV on steroids — with just a hint of mushrooms. It’s hard to imagine a similar frenzy over live versions of “Jaywalking” or “The Green Car Challenge.”

Best Villain: NBC and Jay Leno (tie)

Do you really need a reason?

Best Comeback From the ’90s: Katey Sagal

As Gemma, the tough-as-nails biker mama brutalized by her club’s rivals on FX’s “Sons of Anarchy,” Sagal showed a depth and subtlety few viewers knew she possessed. In doing so, she buried the last vestige of Peg Bundy with a shovel. Then she buried the shovel.

Worst Comeback From the ’90s: Steven Seagal

A&E’s “Steven Seagal Lawman” followed the one-time action star as he patrolled the streets of Jefferson Parish, La., as a reserve deputy sheriff while steadfastly refusing to exert anything but the bare minimum of energy. At times, the whole thing felt like an elaborate hoax, but anyone who has seen Seagal act knows he’s not that convincing.

Best Local Reality Show Set in a Family-Run Business That’s Often Misunderstood and Usually Considered Somewhat Shady: History’s “Pawn Stars” and Playboy TV’s “King of Clubs” (tie)

I’m not sure what it says about TV or the valley when shows set inside Gold & Silver Pawn and the all-nude Palomino Club hit the air within two months of each other. But I think I like it.

Train Wreck of the Year: Heidi Montag

On Nov. 20, the “Hills” star had plastic surgery on her forehead, cheeks, nose, lips, ears, chin, neck, breasts, waist, hips, thighs and buttocks. Who could have guessed a living blow-up doll would be so unattractive?

Strangest Sight: NBC’s “The Marriage Ref”

Madonna was flanked by Larry David and Ricky Gervais as the three of them critiqued some poor schmuck’s relationship. NBC could have shown conjoined unicorns debating the merits of Newtonian physics with a telepathic mermaid, and it would have been only slightly less surreal.

Best Guest Appearance by an Inanimate Object: “Mad Men’s” John Deere 110 lawn and garden tractor

Driven by a drunken secretary through the Sterling Cooper offices and over the foot of an employee, that lawn mower garnered about as much screen time as some of the drama’s supporting cast. And, much like Bryan Batt’s poor Salvatore Romano, viewers never learned what became of it, either.

Best Job of Getting Viewers Interested in History: Starz’s “Spartacus: Blood and Sand”

Then again, that much random sex and violence could make must-see TV out of the Teapot Dome Scandal.

Least Vague Episode Title: “The Tyra Show’s” “Five Women, 10 Vaginas”

Tyra Banks rounded up a group of women, each of whom has a second vagina. Upon seeing the show, Heidi Montag immediately consulted her plastic surgeon, who had to tell her that that particular procedure would be redundant so long as she’s still married to Spencer Pratt.

Christopher Lawrence’s Life on the Couch column appears on Sundays. E-mail him at clawrence@ reviewjournal.com.