STEVEN KALAS: Mother needs to rethink relationship with daughter
There’s a situation in my family that is almost making me sick to my stomach. I have a younger sister, 45, who is STILL living with my mother. She had a child at 15 and then two additional kids years later. None of the fathers are in the picture. I cannot remember a time when she DIDN’T live at my mother’s house. Her credit is in the toilet, and to my knowledge, my mother has co-signed for every vehicle she’s ever had. She assumes no responsibility for household upkeep. My mother (who is in her 70s) even mows the lawn! My problem is this: My mother wants her home back and my sister to stand on her own two feet, but there’s always some reason why my sister avoids the issue. She’s gone as far as to bring empty boxes into the home and lead my mother to believe she really IS moving! With no results. My belief is that my mother has been trapped by my sister basically squatting in her home. I’ve spoken to my mother about this, and she’s reluctant to do anything as she doesn’t want a scene in front of the younger children, 9 and 11. I get that, but I don’t feel my sister will EVER get out on her own as long as my mother is doing everything for her. My mother feels, too, that certain things would never happen for the kids unless she did them herself. Basic things like taking them to the library, buying them clothes, etc. Needless to say, when I speak to my mother about the dysfunction of the situation, she gets very upset and just says to wait and see what happens — and nothing does. I want to help my mother, as I feel she’s being abused financially and emotionally. She deserves a peaceful and happy life. Any thoughts?
— S., Las Vegas
Your 70-plus-year-old mother has a socially incompetent and therefore dependent 45-year-old daughter squatting in your mother’s home. Your mother wants her home back, and she wants her daughter to stand on her own two feet. Your mother’s strategy for effecting these goals is to deploy the tried-and-true curriculum Wait And See What Happens. And to mobilize upset feelings.
In my profession, I listen carefully for what I call “A Narrative of Stuckness,” or its close cousin, “A Narrative of Helplessness.” Said another way, how do we tell the story of how we know-that-we-know we are stuck or helpless?
In that light, listen carefully to your mother’s narrative: “My love for my grandchildren leaves me stuck and helpless. I don’t want them to witness an ugly scene between me and their mother. Plus, if my socially incompetent daughter was on her own, my grandchildren would suffer want. They wouldn’t get to the library. They wouldn’t have needed clothing. Conclusion? My love for my grandchildren requires me to provide a sanctuary protecting my daughter from the work of becoming a competent adult.”
Now, listen carefully to your narrative, S: “My mother has been trapped, and now she’s being abused.”
Now, let’s ask the next question: Are these narratives entirely true and accurate?
No, your mother has not “been trapped.” Your mother has trapped herself with her own narrative. No, your mother is not “being abused.” Your mother is suffering for want of having healthy boundaries in her relationship with her daughter. This is a better narrative, precisely because it’s a narrative of freedom and radical responsibility, as opposed to stuckness and “victim think.”
Yes, it’s possible that, in keeping with her immaturity, your sister would cause an ugly scene in front of the kids. It’s also possible that, once evicted, her children would suffer want. It’s even possible that your sister would reject any efforts of your mother to help the children, just for the spiteful hell of it. But do these facts mean your mother is stuck? Nope. Just means your mother’s narrative is incomplete.
Try this narrative, instead: Your mother owes her daughter an apology. Might sound like, “Daughter, I need to confess a grievous failing. My behavior has disabled you. Handicapped you. Prevented your development, and therefore your freedom. I’m sorry, and I here and now make the commitment to change. To be a better mother. A better friend.”
Then she takes a breath, opens a calendar, points to a date and says, “I’m giving you 90 days’ notice to be out of the house.”
Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Las Vegas Psychiatry and the author of “Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing” (Stephens Press). His columns also appear on Sundays in the Las Vegas Review-Journal. Contact him at 227-4165 or skalas@reviewjournal.com.