COMMENTARY: Generational battle — speakerphones in public spaces

It’s a truism that each generation brings its own values and some natural conflict. As a girl, I listened to Helen Reddy’s “I Am Woman” and saw an upended world full of opportunity. My parents were raised in a very traditional era, where parents sent their daughters to college to meet Mr. Right.

My parents’ view was more nuanced, and my enlightened bubbie (Yiddish for grandmother), an immigrant from Eastern Europe, told me she had heard, “Girls in this country can grow up to be teachers. You should try that.”

We experienced other generational differences, too. My dad clearly knew I was not to “shack up” (his precise words) with anyone while I was in college. The idea of “free love,” as it was called, rankled him and was not in keeping with his Orthodox Jewish upbringing. Every difference we uncovered led to a controversial tête-à-tête, though ours came with decorum and some respect. Those were the days when disagreements were permissible and served to sharpen our thoughts.

At the ripe age of 67, I am now struck by a new set of generational differences. The ability to experience a healthy disagreement that does not trigger someone is at the top of my list, but recently came another, vying for the top spot. The issue was privacy in public spaces.

Here’s what happened.

I went to dinner with my husband, sister-in-law and 95-year-old father-in-law. We arrived “early bird” at a lovely restaurant to enjoy a quiet dinner before the rush hit.

At some point, I went to the bathroom, which was nicely designed and with two stalls. One stall was available, and as I proceeded, I heard someone in the neighboring stall talking loudly, using the speaker on her cellphone while she peed. I listened to the other voice as well. It felt like an intrusion into my space, and I also considered the aspect of hygiene. Exactly how was this being done?

As the woman made her way to the sink, she continued to talk through the speakerphone. She paid me no mind, nor did she pause to breathe. When we were side by side at the sink, I must have looked at her quizzically because she smiled, shrugged, picked up her phone and headed out — talking the whole time.

I returned to the table and reported this curious incident to my sister-in-law, who is mid-50s and way hipper than me, my husband, who is my age and less hip than me, and my 95-year-old father-in-law, who is forever curious.

My husband had never seen this type of bathroom behavior. He thought it would be hard for a man because urinals lack convenient surfaces for a phone, and the logistics of men peeing require hands. “Maybe with earbuds, we could do this,” he offered.

My curious father-in-law only wanted to know what the conversation was about. “Could you tell if it was interesting?” “No,” I responded. “Just disgusting.” He looked genuinely disappointed. A good story can spice up our lives if we make it to 95.

My sister-in-law claimed this happens all the time in her world. “I always think it’s gross,” she said, “but it is not uncommon. Just get used to it.”

I don’t think I can. Based on her reaction, I don’t think my sister-in-law can either.

By the end of our conversation, I chalked up cellphone behaviors as a generational difference. Gen Z has a very different view of privacy than many of us baby boomers. They might clear the cookies and use anonymous browsers to protect themselves online. However, engaging in loud conversations in public places that everyone can hear does not pose a problem. Self-care enters the picture and is what feels needed at the time.

I wondered whether the person on the other side of the conversation knew that everyone could hear. I asked whether those committing the “crime” of broken etiquette have their own rules of etiquette I should be sensitive to. I wondered whether I had the right to request someone change from speaker mode.

I recalled a famous Mark Twain quote. In speaking about his dad, Twain was “astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” Might my view of using the speakerphone in public space eventually be seen as correct, and if so, will it take a full seven years?

Jill Ebstein is the editor of the “At My Pace” series of books and the founder of Sized Right Marketing, a consulting firm. She wrote this for InsideSources.com.