COMMENTARY: Is Biden smarter than a fifth-grader
Joe Biden’s closest confidants are wrestling with the same questions that 81.2 million of us who voted for him in 2020 have been mulling since the president’s disastrous debate against Donald Trump.
For answers, I turned to a fifth grader named Emily, who, though a figment of my imagination, dispenses the type of clear thinking that seems lost among older politicians and pundits. She wrote an essay for class urging President Biden to withdraw.
Q: Emily, even presidents can have a “bad night,” right?
A: I once did poorly on a geography test. However, I never was confused about which end of the pencil to write with, and I never started an answer about Germany and ended it with a statement about the South Pole.
Q: President Biden sounded sharp the very next day, didn’t he?
A: Teleprompter. When I sing along with a Taylor Swift track I’m amazed at how much better it sounds than when I sing alone.
Q: What about Mr. Biden’s insistence that he can still win?
A: Let me quote from the Girl Scout handbook. “Willingness to serve is not enough; you must know how to do the job well, even in an emergency.”
Q: Why should voters ignore all that Joe Biden has accomplished?
A: They shouldn’t, but it’s no longer possible to run on your record when you find it challenging just to walk.
Q: Do you know any old people?
A: My grandpa, the smartest person I know. He can tell you who pitched in every World Series ever played. But sometimes he forgets to turn off the stove or can’t remember where he left his keys. Mom won’t let him drive me to school anymore.
Q: How old is he?
A: Seventy-four.
Q: Joe Biden isn’t a quitter, so why should he give up?
A: Life isn’t a Disney movie. In “Finding Nemo,” Marlin never gives up on finding his son Nemo — even when it means facing fears and crossing an entire ocean, we get that. But if President Biden stepped aside for the good of the nation, it would be heroic.
Q: What would you say to Jill Biden and others who are advising the president?
A: Get real. Aren’t you smarter than a fifth grader?
Peter Funt’s latest book is “Playing POTUS: The Power of America’s Acting Presidents,” about comedians who impersonated presidents.