Merry Christmas, Reno! Here are some real slogan ideas

This column will not help bridge that divide.

It seems the Biggest Little City in the World and its convention authority have adopted a new tourism slogan. It’s this: “All seasons, 1,000 reasons.”

Yes, and that’s the least lame slogan out of the last three. It replaced “Far From Expected,” which in turn replaced “A Little West of Center.”

Now, coming up with a single catchphrase to encompass the enticements of an entire region is not easy, and plenty of ideas end up on the cutting-room floor. Others should end up there. You know, like “All seasons, 1,000 reasons.”

You mean, like, 1,000 reasons in every season … to go somewhere else?

Bazinga!

Now, I know my friends in Reno will object, and inevitably point out that I’ve got no room to talk, since I live in Las Vegas (slogan: “At least we’re not Reno.”) They’ll note that Vegas has fewer natural wonders (so not true!), less culture (well…) and that it smells here (OK, you got me there.) But c’mon, Reno. If we can’t laugh at ourselves, what have we become as people? (And by “laugh at ourselves,” I totally mean, “make fun of you.”)

The Reno-Sparks Convention and Visitor’s Authority will surely challenge me to come up with something better than they did, and I am happy to oblige. Consider these suggestions public domain, which for those of you in Reno means “you can use it for free.”

• Reno: We’ve got bowling. (This evokes the best movie to feature Reno ever, “Kingpin.” There are some happy memories in that movie, Reno. Embrace them!)

But wait, there’s more:

• Reno: Where despondency, despair and desperation exist in perfect balance.

• Reno: Just a little bit too far from San Francisco.

• Reno: Home to Apple Computer’s nearly 100 percent tax-free server farm!

• Reno: The 1,762,234,421st holiest site in Judaism.

• Reno: We put the asterisk on the monthly Gaming Control Board win reports.

• Reno: Where the suicide prevention hotline number is 1-800-OH-WHY-NOT?

• Reno: A river runs through it. (No, really, it does. You just kind of have to wander through those buildings there, and yeah, go out back there on the patio and look down and – hey! – there it is!)

• Reno: We swear to God we’re still open. Seriously.

• Reno: It’s so boring, you will kill somebody and then write a song about it.

• Reno: You have to visit, because that’s where the airport is.

• Reno: Gateway to awesome stuff outside our city limits.

• Reno: Like Vegas, only with more snow, trees and hippies.

• Reno: Where by official city policy you are not allowed to do it in the park.

• Reno: A Shoshone word meaning “what’s that U-Haul number again?”

• Reno: Home to your drunk uncle between Thanksgiving dinners.

• Reno: All the pretension, none of the justification.

• Reno: Often on fire.

• Reno: So bad the Donner Party left and resorted to cannibalism rather than return.

• Reno: Airport code is “NO!”

Now, Reno. I know the temptation with wounded pride is to hold a grudge, and perhaps seek revenge at some time in the future for wrongs done to you in this column. I would gently remind you of the immortal words from “Kingpin,” which might be helpful: “You know what the Bible says about not forgiving people? … It’s against it.”

Steve Sebelius is a Review-Journal political columnist and author of the blog SlashPolitics.com. Follow him on Twitter (@SteveSebelius) or reach him at 387-5276 or SSebelius@reviewjournal.com.