Look-but-don’t-touch football hits Vegas

But unlike the MAACO Bowl Las Vegas, I don’t think this one is intended for Brigham Young or its loyal legions.

The 2011 Lingerie Bowl, to be played by scantily clad women in shoulder pads during halftime of the Super Bowl, will be in Las Vegas at a yet-to-be-determined location.

If it were possible to morph Madison Square Garden into the Olympic Garden, that might be the ideal place.

This will be Lingerie Bowl VIII. Fantasy football at its finest — and most literal. Although results of the previous VII Lingerie Bowls aren’t as readily available as the previous XLIV Super Bowls, I do know the Minnesota Vikings and Buffalo Bills have never won one. And that I really wouldn’t care to see Mick Tingelhoff or Howard "House" Ballard in a Lingerie Bowl uniform.

For the record, the Los Angeles Temptation defeated the Chicago Bliss 27-14 in Lingerie Bowl VII. But the biggest boobs of the day were those responsible for the $9.95 Internet broadcast. The demand was so great that the computer servers crashed like Mike Conway at the end of the Indy 500. Fans seeking alternate halftime entertainment had no choice but to be fooled again by Pete Townshend and Roger Daltrey. Or watch cocker spaniels run post patterns at the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet.

Past Lingerie Bowls have been scheduled at nudist colonies (when puritanical Tampa, Fla., pitched a fit) or out-of-the-way locales in that year’s Super Bowl city. No more, says Mitch Mortaza, founder and chairman of Lingerie Football. When the league asked its fans to vote on a permanent Lingerie Bowl site, it wasn’t close. And it wasn’t Tampa.

(The Lingerie Bowl at the nudist colony, it should be noted, was never played. You have to draw the line somewhere, and when the host site insisted clothing be optional for spectators, that’s where the Lingerie Bowl drew it. Not even the Internet was prepared for that crowd shot.)

Without attractive women and provocative uniforms, there would be no Lingerie Bowl. But the league is trying to distance itself from the gentlemen’s club stereotype. Sort of. If it were totally trying to distance itself from that imagery, it would be moving to some place like Salt Lake City. Or a cave in Tibet, which is slightly more progressive.

"Honestly, that couldn’t be farther from the truth," Mortaza said about the striptease-in-shoulder-pads analogy. "Yes, there is that edge, thus the name. But the level of play surprises a lot of people. You have to see us first. Then that correlation will go by the wayside."

The Olympic Garden isn’t among the site finalists, although there is a Garden in the mix. Mortaza says the MGM Grand Garden has expressed interest. So have the Thomas & Mack Center and the Orleans Arena. The league hopes to announce the site by the end of June. As part of the deal, Las Vegas will receive a franchise in the Lingerie Football League. The team name, colors and ownership details will be announced during Lingerie Bowl week, which will include all the trappings of Super Bowl week, including a golf tournament, media day and black-tie gala.

Snoop Dogg and Tiger Woods are going to love this.

Naturally, there will be player tryouts. There might or might not be a cover charge — er, admission price — to watch. Mortaza says there are three criteria for Lingerie Football players: They must be confident, they must be beautiful, and it helps if they can throw or catch a football.

Confident, because playing football in your dainty things requires it. Beautiful, because that resonates with the league demographic. Throwing and catching a football speaks for itself. But it’s optional. Sort of like with the Detroit Lions.

Instead of Tila Tequila bumping and grinding to ZZ Top, Mortaza says think Gabrielle Reece and Danica Patrick bumping and running on third-and-long.

"We’re like an entire league of Gabby Reeces," he said. "Athletic talent is the third component."

But the first two components — the skimpy uniforms and the long legs — are why the Lingerie Bowl just might work here.

And it won’t require a new $500 million arena financed by taxpayers.

Las Vegas Review-Journal sports columnist Ron Kantowski can be reached at rkantowski@reviewjournal.com or 702-383-0352.