NFL drafts fast players; UFL drafts players fast

It took the NFL three days to hold its draft over the weekend.

You want a reason to like the UFL besides the cheap tickets, coaches you’ve heard of and players from colleges you’ve heard of? There it is.

Forty-nine minutes. It takes ESPN draft analyst Mel Kiper Jr. longer than that to gel his hair.

Unlike at the NFL Draft at Radio City Music Hall, the selected ones didn’t march up to the stage in an opulent ballroom to have a souvenir cap placed on their heads and bro-hug the commissioner. The UFL owes so many people money, it can’t afford souvenir caps.

Instead of bro-hugging the first-round selections, UFL commissioner Michael Huyghue announced their identities via Twitter. This was done either to make the UFL appear hip and modern or because it saved on paper by not printing a press release.

The coaches then tweeted their picks in rounds 2 through 10, although I wasn’t really buying it. Jerry Glanville, the new coach of the Hartford … uh … um … Colonials — the Hartford Colonials — doesn’t seem like a Twitter type of guy.  He seems more like an Elvis Presley type of guy.

Jim Fassel, coach of the two-time defending UFL champion Las Vegas Locomotives, said Schottenheimer doesn’t use Twitter, either.

“Marty doesn’t even have a cell phone,” Fassel said of the new coach of the Virginia … uh … um … Destroyers — the Virginia Destroyers.

Glanville had the first pick. He took Texas A&M quarterback Jerrod Johnson, the Aggies’ career leader in total offense. Johnson played in the East-West Shrine Game, and one observer said he had “the least zip” of all the quarterbacks.

Omaha picked Mr. Irrelevant II, Sacramento selected Mr. Irrelevant III, Virginia tabbed Mr. Irrelevant IV, and then, after the commissioner had instructed the coaches to spell out the names of their picks, it was Fassel’s turn.

“Las Vegas selects Joel … J-O-E-L … Bell … B-E-L-L … offensive tackle, Furman … F-U-R-M-A-N.” Fassel did not spell “offensive tackle,” and Glanville seemed OK with it.

Joel Bell stands 6 feet 7 inches and weighs 310 pounds. He has played for the Saskatchewan Roughriders of the Canadian Football League. Furman’s nickname is the Paladins. There is little information on the Internet about Bell’s zip or lack of it.

Then it was Glanville’s turn again. Most people forget that Glanville once drove in the NASCAR Truck Series, and that he lent his name to a Sega Genesis video game called “Jerry Glanville’s PigSkin Footbrawl.” Glanville also once told an official who had made a bad call: “This is the NFL, which stands for not for long,” and that would be the official’s fate, if he made another bad call. Most people do remember that.

But the draft was completed without threat or incident. Glanville used to leave a ticket for Elvis at Will Call, but at least he didn’t try to draft him in the seventh round.

During the sixth round, Fassel practically leaped from his cushy high-back chair in the war room at Locos’ headquarters in an abandoned warehouse. (Not really an abandoned warehouse, but an unmarked office building, which might be by design to throw off creditors.)

At first it appeared Fassel had heard the Domino’s guy drive up. But, no, instead he had gotten the idea to draft a quarterback instead of another linebacker. So the Locos took Mike Teel of Rutgers. Not sure about his zip, either, but it must be pretty good, or why else would Fassel practically leap from his chair?

While it’s easy to put down the UFL amid its mountain of debt, Fassel, who has been there, done that in the NFL, was kind enough to open the doors to the war room to two writers and a photographer, and I could never see Bill Belichick doing that.

At 4:55, commissioner Huyghue told Virginia to take its supplemental pick, for cryin’ out loud, and so it did, choosing Jeff Maehl, the wide receiver from Oregon, as small as he is slow. Mr. Irrelevant LI.

But at least he got chosen by somebody.

At 4:56, Jeff Maehl’s dream of playing professional football was still flickering, thanks to the UFL.

Las Vegas Review-Journal columnist Ron Kantowski can be reached at rkantowski@reviewjournal.com or 702-383-0352. Follow him on Twitter: @ronkantowski.