Wisconsin a scary foe for opener

Every time UNLV plays Wisconsin, I cannot help but think of the scene in "Stripes" where Bill Murray (as Pvt. John Winger) informs a skeptical Harold Ramis (Pvt. Russell Ziskey) of his plan to drive the EM-50 Urban Assault Vehicle across the Czech border to rescue Ox, psycho Francis Sawyer and the other mutants in their platoon. Such as Judge Reinhold.

"C'mon," Winger says. "It's Czechoslovakia. We zip in, we pick 'em up, we zip right out again. We're not going to Moscow. It's Czechoslovakia.

"It's like going into Wisconsin."

One should not, however, be misled by Lon and Kevin Kruger knocking off the second-seeded Fighting Krabbenhofts in the 2007 Midwest Regional; by John Robinson and Jamaal Brimmer upsetting the 15th-ranked Badgers in 2003; by one of Mike Sanford's teams, of all things, nearly doing it again four years later against a Wisconsin squad ranked No. 5; or by Sgt. First Class Hulka (aka Big Toe) taking out a Czech batallion, two batteries and three details during a one-man tour de force in the movies.

Going into Wisconsin is one thing. Beating it is another. Regardless of location.

The Bobby Hauck Era at UNLV begins Saturday night when the Rebels host Wisconsin, ranked 12th in the nation despite not playing a single game -- see, I told you they were good -- at Sam Boyd Stadium.

It's a tough way to begin an era. Or even an epoch.

At his first weekly news conference Monday, Hauck said all the nice things Sanford used to say about his opening-night opponents. The major difference is that I believe Hauck. Because whereas he is playing Wisconsin, Sanford was playing Idaho State or Utah State or Sacramento State. As John Winger would say, these are all places that are easy to go into, too, at least if you can keep from jumping offside or being whistled for flagrant personal fouls. Every now and then, even Sanford's teams managed to pull it off.

The Rebels are a three-touchdown underdog, so Hauck says the goal is modest.

"We want to look like we know what we're doing," he said, and one would assume, at minimum, that means lining up on side and holstering forearms whenever John Clay or one of the other Badgers crosses the sideline and the whistle blows.

This is easily the most ambitious debut assignment of the 10 men who have had the temerity/loose screws to become the UNLV head football coach. Bill Ireland beat St. Mary's, Ron Meyer beat State College of Arkansas (which since has added "Cosmetology" to its name), Tony Knap beat Montana, Wayne Nunnely lost to a Washington State team that won only three games, Jim Strong beat Southwest Missouri State, Jeff Horton beat Eastern Michigan, John Robinson beat North Texas, Sanford lost to New Mexico.

Only Harvey Hyde, who lost 27-0 to Brigham Young in 1982 when Steve Young was a junior, faced a comparable task. The Cougars were a Western Athletic Conference member then (but not now, and Mountain West commissioner Craig Thompson must still be slapping knees over that one, at least for the moment). Wisconsin, on the other hand, hails from the Big Ten Plus One, but soon to be Two. It returns a bazillion starters, most resembling tractors with chaser bins.

As for that 23-5 pasteurization by UNLV in Madison seven years ago, don't forget it was raining. And that Jim Sorgi was the Wisconsin quarterback. Sorgi, if you remember, had the mobility of a Holstein, and Brimmer must have rung his bell and tipped him over about a dozen times.

Hauck said the Rebels' past success against Wisconsin is something he'd like to hang his hat on but, as he said, that was then and this is now. Every team is different, he said. Each season is unique, with the caveat being that one can always count on Big Ten Plus One teams such as Wisconsin or Iowa resembling tractors with chaser bins.

When Hauck was at Montana, the Grizzlies opened the 2006 season against Iowa and lost, 41-7. He had more success against season-opening opponents with directions in their names, such as Western State and Southern Utah. And Fort Lewis, which, I believe, once lost in overtime to the cast of "F Troop."

Hauck, meanwhile, is stuck with the likes of Wisconsin and West Virginia and a never-ending road trip to Hawaii to close the season, a not-so-lovely parting gift from former athletic director Mike Hamrick.

At last check, Hamrick was living in a coed dorm at Marshall. The guy is smarter than he looks. The least he could have done is leave Hauck with a blindfold and a cigarette. Combined with the usual assortment of MWC Bowl Championship Series wannabes, this is a schedule that could make any improvement the Rebels achieve under Hauck hard to detect.

When I asked what kind of schedule he would prefer to play, Hauck did not hesitate.

"I sorta like Wisconsin's," he said.

The media broke into laughter and so did Hauck, comfortable in the knowledge that it was only Monday.

Las Vegas Review-Journal columnist Ron Kantowski can be reached at rkantowski@reviewjournal.com or 702-383-0352.