What’s said is not what’s meant

I don't remember much about the Louisiana Purchase from my school days, perhaps because I do recall a standing feature in Mad Magazine called "What They Say, What They Mean."

(I also recall "Spy vs. Spy," the fold-in on the inside cover and both verses of "God Rest Ye Merry Football Fans," part of Mad's Christmas carol parody.)

Mrs. Lentvorsky, my history teacher, would editorialize about Mad's lack of educational content before confiscating our April editions in front of the class.

How could she have known I would be exposed to the politically correct ramblings of Mountain West Conference commissioner Craig Thompson (and others) on a wild Wednesday in which Brigham Young threatened its football independence and Boise State sat perched on the fence, not knowing what to do next, at least until Fresno State and UNR jumped at the opportunity to take BYU's place, thereby removing the Mountain West from the endangered species list and nailing the coffin lid shut on the Western Athletic Conference?

If only someone would have said that.

Instead, here's what Thompson said when asked if the Mountain West's decision to invite Fresno State and UNR (and Utah State, which apparently declined) -- when he had said just two weeks before the MWC would be "a nine-team league for the foreseeable future" -- was in reaction to BYU posturing to join the WAC in all sports except football: "Our goal is to improve and strengthen our league, today, tomorrow, next week."

This is what he meant: "Take that, BYU. Take that, Karl Benson. Take that, foreseeable future."

This is what Thompson said when asked if there would be concessions made to keep BYU from leaving, such as allowing it to benefit from its own TV network: "That is not what the Mountain West Conference does."

This is what he meant: "We'll give you Todd Christensen (and his son) back and throw in Ann Marie Anderson."

This is what WAC commissioner Benson said about his league crumbling like a month-old Fig Newton: "I've been energized by this process."

This is what he meant: "I wonder if the Big Ten is hiring associate commissioners."

This is what BYU said, through a statement attributed to no one: "BYU has been reviewing, and will continue to explore, every option to advance its athletic program. At this point, BYU has no further comment."

This is what it meant: "At this point, someone get Jamie Zaninovich on the phone at West Coast Conference headquarters, pronto."

This is what Maaco Bowl Las Vegas executive director Tina Kunzer-Murphy said, about the possibility of losing cash cow BYU to another bowl game: "This is all speculation."

This is what she meant: "Wyoming better get real good real fast."

This is what new UNLV athletic director Jim Livengood said about the whole tawdry process: "There is no way to spin this in a positive way."

This is what he meant: "There is no way to spin this in a positive way."

THREE UP

■ BOISE STATE, TEXAS CHRISTIAN: The Broncos and Horned Frogs are ranked third and sixth in The Associated Press preseason college football poll, giving each non-Bowl Championship Series team a shot at the title before the season begins. Not sure that's how it is supposed to work, but it beats changing your name to the Italian Stallion and pounding raw meat with your fists.

■ WISCONSIN FACILITIES: Athletic officials at Wisconsin, which will provide the opposition for UNLV in the college football season opener Sept. 4, are asking for a $76.8 million athletic performance center in the next two-year state budget, just five years after receiving $109.5 million to expand Camp Randall Stadium. Athletic officials at UNLV, meanwhile, say they will work for food.

■ BRYCE HARPER: Mike Rizzo, the Washington Nationals' general manager, has confirmed the Las Vegas teenager won't play in any official minor league games this season, thereby diminishing the possibility that young Bryce could have his confidence shattered by some rag-arm property of the Gulf Coast League Astros (as if that was going to happen). It can be assumed that officials at Space Coast Stadium in Viera, Fla., home of the Gulf Coast League Nationals, are not nearly as pleased.

THREE DOWN

■ DARLING TENNIS CENTER: Maybe if Andy Roddick had played in the Tennis Channel Open instead of faking an injury the city wouldn't have had to talk Sam Querrey, the final winner of the TCO before it was sold to Johannesburg, South Africa, into operating the facility -- a transaction that is expected to save the city $200,000 annually and, let's hope, its face, after predicting the center was going to be a huge success.

■ CASEY FLAIR EXPERIMENT: No former UNLV players are on the training camp roster of the United Football League's Locomotives. Perhaps someone finally has figured out that if local fans didn't turn out to watch guys play on every down when they were in college, they certainly aren't going to turn out to watch them sit on the bench for minor league professional teams.

■ BRADY HOKE: "Who's going to play BYU now?" the San Diego State coach asked, referring to the Cougars' budding football independence. A couple of hours later, Texas said it would play BYU home and home, thereby allowing Hoke to break Britney Spears' record (marriage to Jason Allen Alexander) for being wrong the fastest.

Las Vegas Review-Journal sports columnist Ron Kantowski can be reached at rkantowski@reviewjournal.com or 702-383-0352.