Intervening with neglectful parents is dicey business

Q: My niece has three children. The father is a functioning alcoholic. He manages to go to work every day but begins drinking as soon as he hits the parking lot. My niece is addicted to online chat rooms, rarely leaving the computer but to get food or use the restroom. This leaves the children to pretty much raise themselves.

The kids fix their own meals and stay up way past a decent hour. The toddler empties her own potty chair; they receive poor nourishment -- one is only 41 pounds at age 7; and the mother allows the children to be left in the care of the drunken father or, worse, ride in a car with him when he has been drinking. They are constantly short on funds. I end up loaning them money so the kids can eat.

I have tried to carefully say something to her but don't want to risk being cut off from the children. How do you convince someone they have a problem? I honestly believe the kids are emotionally affected by all of this and will suffer in adulthood. Do you allow people to make their own mistakes when innocent children are affected? -- Name withheld

A: It depends entirely on what "mistakes" we're talking about, and exactly how those innocent children are affected.

Here's the unpleasant fact: There is a long list of incompetent, stupid and cruel things we're allowed to do to our children that are not against the law. It is impossible to legislate sane and moral parenting. And, while I've given serious thought to running over some parents with my grocery cart and bludgeoning them with the business end of a bundle of bok choy ... well, the law tends to side with the doofwad parent in the case of vegetable vigilante justice.

Intervening in a family system containing ineffective, lousy or even abusive parents is a dicey business.

The most damaging items you allege are undernourishment and being a passenger in a car driven by an alcohol-impaired parent. But either these parents confess, or you would have to assume the role of legal antagonist; that is, you would have to swear the complaint and be ready to testify to your firsthand observation of his driving under the influence. Are you a firsthand witness? Or are you extrapolating likelihoods?

If I saw my sister in a drunken state putting her children in a car and driving them away, I'd call the police. Just as she would call the police if the situation were reversed. (I dig my little sister for that.)

You have three choices:

1. Intervene directly: Blood is thicker than water, so you might decide to begin solo with your niece as a point of strategy. It might sound like this: "I love you, sweetie, but I can no longer remain silent. I watch you bury yourself in the computer. I watch your husband go to work and then home to bury himself in drinking. That's your business. But I also watch your children struggle to raise themselves, and that is my concern. What is happening in this home and in your marriage has consequences for them, and you have the power to change that. Will you let me help you change it?"

If she says "yes," then you're ready with referrals to counseling, parent education classes and the support she will need to confront herself and her marriage.

If she says "no," you get to sleep at night knowing you did not do nothing. And you run the risk of alienating the relationship and being impeded in your relationship with your great-nieces/nephews.

2. Report them: The question remains whether you have something to report. A legitimate use of Child Protective Services is to call and have someone talk you through what is and is not reportable, what does and does not require an official investigation, how to make a report and what are the responsibilities of the complainant.

And, as we've already said, a CPS report is a pretty big hammer. We're back to the risk of alienation. We have to weigh the risk of alienation against our observation of the damage or potential damage being done to innocent children. Obviously, in the case of sexual exploitation, physical abuse or criminal neglect/endangerment, you have a moral obligation to report regardless of the consequences to an interpersonal relationship.

3. Be the competent adult: Sometimes the best course is to radically subordinate our hope that parents become better parents. We give up, and focus all our efforts on assuming the role of One Competent Adult.

I'll elaborate on this option next Tuesday.

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Clear View Counseling and Wellness Center in Las Vegas. His columns appear on Tuesdays and Sundays. Questions for the Asking Human Matters column or comments can be e-mailed to skalas@reviewjournal.com.