Dishing the Dirt

Celine Dion's show has closed and Kathy Griffin is single again, so she needs a new acid test for her future prospects.

The comedian's much-discussed fling with Apple computer guru Steve Wozniak came to an end recently, with Wozniak apparently getting engaged to someone else instead.

But Griffin says the writing was on the wall last fall, when the billionaire didn't cry watching "A New Day" at Caesars Palace.

"I told him then he didn't have blood coursing through his veins if he didn't cry," says the comedian who returns to Mandalay Bay today. "Maybe that's the night I knew Steve Wozniak and I could not be together forever, because he did not cry at Celine Dion.

"Probably not a lot of straight guys cried at that show," she adds upon reflection. "But I'm still holding out for that one magical straight guy who has just a little bit of gay in him."

Griffin now plays Las Vegas more than once a year, but this time lands on a weekend when she will deliver material, but not necessarily collect any.

The 47-year-old comedian, who fashions long stand-up routines from her celebrity encounters, says the post-Celine Dion lineup at Caesars Palace -- Cher, Elton John and Bette Midler -- is "gayer than ever. I love it!"

But she concedes, "They're not good for my act." All three stars are too self-aware. While Dion has a sense of humor, "I think that show was over the top and she didn't really know it was over the top."

She met Midler last winter and plans to be introduced to Cher by Rosie O'Donnell at the Colosseum next month.

"It's so weird to meet an idol," Griffin says of Midler. "You don't know if you should just gush." Instead, "I just kind of starting talking shop, and within 30 seconds she turned from gigantic star into a normal person. We were just sitting on the couch talking. So I can proudly say we have exchanged a few e-mails. And that makes me feel very famous."

Friendship seems inevitable given their parallels, from the wickedly raunchy humor to their gay fan followings. "We started talking about what it's like to be women in comedy and women in show business, and women over 40 in a man's world," Griffin says.

That's not the kind of dish that makes fans tune into Griffin's stand-up specials on the Bravo network, but there's hope for the future.

Griffin is elated by the news that Donny and Marie Osmond also are in town this weekend, and that they will be resident headliners at the Flamingo starting Sept. 9. She's already done a riff about the two ("The Osmonds Were Never Cool") on her new comedy album, "For Your Consideration."

"I have to go," she declares, but adds, "I'll have to wear, like, a fake mustache. I'm gonna tell you right now, I'll admit I'm not going to Donny and Marie with an open mind. I'm going to be at my judgiest. That's going to be some good eatin'.

"You know that I think she beats him," she adds.

"I don't think Donny has much choice in the matter," she says of the reunited brother-and-sister act. "I think he's trying to just get another day under his sleeve without a black eye from Marie. I think it's an abusive relationship that will never end. You know Marie will cut you. It's like old-school Sharks and Jets. She'll cut you. She'll take you down."

Her Bravo reality show "My Life on the D-List" is in its fourth season. Between the show and her prolific stand-up specials, you'd think it would be as hard for Griffin to catch a celebrity off guard as it would for Sacha Baron Cohen to make a sequel to "Borat."

Nothing is considered off the record, she says. "I can't have famous friends because I cannot make that promise."

Maybe that's why the show captured on the comedy album devotes much of its attention to her 88-year-old mother, who has become a breakout star, thanks to "D-List." "My eyes are wide open, sweetheart. I'm riding on the coattails of her muumuu."

"If I can get her to do a spinoff (to "D-List,"), I don't have to work this hard," she says.

But don't believe it.

"I love doing live stand-up so much," Griffin admits. "It's therapeutic and it's been the constant in my life. Whether or not some idiot network person says, 'Yes she can have a (TV) show' or not, no matter what you can always do stand-up. ... It's the best boyfriend I ever had."

Take that, Steve Wozniak.

Contact reporter Mike Weatherford at mweatherford@reviewjournal.com or 702-383-0288.