We help make sad rockers Twenty One Pilot’s lyrics a little more macho

Their concerts are couch trips, their feelings sticky as flypaper.

Ohio’s musical multi-hyphenates Twenty One Pilots have become one of music’s biggest breakout acts in recent years with their adrenalized amalgamation of hip-hop, reggae, electronica and radio-friendly rock. The duo’s tunes have been streamed over 2 billion times on Spotify, where their 19 million monthly listeners rank among the top 30 fan bases of any act in the world.

But while their sound varies from track to track, cohesion is provided by an emotiveness that manifests itself in lyrics seemingly transcribed from the notepad of singer-rapper Tyler Joseph’s psychiatrist.

“I was told when I get older all my fears would shrink / But now I’m insecure and I care what people think,” Joseph confesses on “Stressed Out.” “I’m a pro at imperfections and I’m best friends with my doubt,” he notes on “Judge.” “Scared of my own image, scared of my own immaturity / Scared of my own ceiling, scared I’ll die of uncertainty,” he continues on “Doubt.” My friends and I, we’ve got a lot of problems,” he understates on “Polarize.”

All of those tunes are culled from the band’s latest record, the smash hit “Blurryface,” which Twenty One Pilots are supporting on their current, aptly titled “Emotional Roadshow” tour.

OK, enough’s enough, time to buck up dudes, and as always, we’re here to help. We want give these two a bit of a confidence boost, Stuart Smalley-style. To this end, we’ve graciously embellished some of their lyrics in order for them to channel their inner badasses. Be sure to join the band shouting out these mucho manly rhymes at the Mandalay Bay Events Center on Saturday.

Song: “Doubt”

Original lyric:“Fear might be the death of me, fear leads to anxiety / Don’t know what’s inside of me.”

Mucho manly version: “Fear might be the death of me, fear leads to anxiety / Time to get a case of Budweiser inside of me / Next comes a gallon of vodka, maybe some vermouth / Then I’ll be stomping nancy boys, like Ron Burgundy versus Wes Mantooth.”

Song: “Heavy Dirty Soul”

Original lyric: “Gangsters don’t cry / Therefore, therefore I’m / Mr. Misty-eyed.”

Mucho manly version: “Gangsters don’t cry / Therefore, therefore I’m / Mr. Misty-eyed / ’Cause I’m choppin’ up onions, for my 32-ounce steak / Punched a cow in the face / Thing keeled over on the spot / Karate chopped a rib-eye out its hide / Now serve me the dinner I so awesomely wrought.”

Song: “Lane Boy”

Original lyric: “There’s a few songs on this record that feel common / I’m in constant confrontation with what I want and what is poppin’ / In the industry.”

Mucho manly version: “There’s a few songs on this record that feel common / I’m in constant confrontation with what I want and what is poppin’ / But then again, confrontation’s what I do / Coldcocked a nun, eye-gouged a disrespectful otter at the zoo.”

Song: “Goner”

Original lyric: “Though I’m weak and beaten down / I’ll slip away into this sound.”

Mucho manly version: “Though I’m weak and beaten down / I’ll slip away into this sound / Psych! / Check the calendar, it’s opposite day / Seriously, a granite burrito ain’t half as hard as the words I say.”

Song: “Polarize”

Original lyric: “I wanted to be a better brother, better son / Wanted to be a better adversary to the evil I have done.”

Mucho manly version: “I wanted to be a better brother, better son / Wanted to be a better adversary to the evil I have done / But being bad feels so good / To say that I’m the Quarter Pounder With Cheese of kicking ass, is no falsehood.”

Read more from Jason Bracelin at reviewjournal.com. Contact him at jbracelin@reviewjournal.com and follow @JasonBracelin on Twitter.