There’s nothing wrong with a man acting like a man

I hardly ever go to a Las Vegas show of my own volition. Except for Mac King's comedy magic show (the hidden gem of the Strip) or Vinnie Favorito, who makes me laugh so hard I need a ventilator.

Nope, usually when I see a Las Vegas show, someone takes me there. Or drags me there. And so it is tonight. A friend buys me a ticket to "Defending the Caveman," billed as the longest-running solo play in Broadway history. The play stars Kevin Burke.

"Caveman" evolved out of the stand-up comedy of Rob Becker, who wrote the play over a three-year period beginning in 1988.

I laugh really hard. I think, which is always fun for me. Twice I get a lump in my throat, the lump I always get when someone creates a space in which I can live more compassionately toward myself. And because of that, I have more generosity for others. And, in this case, by "others" I mean women.

Because the play's recurring message, spoken by a man on behalf of men everywhere, is something I can't repeat in a family newspaper. At least not verbatim. But let's see if I can sneak this rewording past my editor: Men are not accurately or fairly depicted by metaphorical references to the far end of the alimentary canal.

The question that compels is how and why we evolved a culture in which men found themselves so on the defensive? How did men acquire a collective chronic self-doubt about being men? Why do we bounce between chronic postures of apology to the feminine, a castrated passivity of "yes ma'am," pouty withdrawal or going on the offensive with condescension and contempt?

Men who are insecure about being men range from dull to annoying to dangerous. For example: In men, homophobia is not, as commonly believed, the fear of being gay. It's the fear of being a woman. Likewise misogeny. It manifests as the hatred of women, yes. But it begins in men as the terror of being overwhelmed by the feminine, the fear that I cannot maintain a firm grip on my masculine self in the company of women.

I think the feminist movement did two things really well: 1) it identified injustice, and 2) it mobilized appropriate indignation, aka anger. I tip my hat.

I think the feminist movement proffered two fatal (and, looking back, bizarre) ideological flaws: 1) it tended to postulate the masculine as the enemy, and 2) its prescription was the world would be a better place when we saw men and women were the same. No. 2 turned out to be disingenuous, because it quickly devolved into "when men behaved more like women."

It was disastrous. Those two ideas create misery. For everyone.

When "Caveman" gets bashed by critics, the criticism is commonly aimed at the play's generalizations about men and women, its stereotyping of male and female.

Of course the play contains generalizations. But the reason "generalization" is included in the English lexicon is so we can talk meaningfully about things that are generally true. Part of the show's fun for me was making mental notes about certain depictions of the masculine that don't fit for me -- ways I'm not stereotypically male.

But, generally speaking, there can be no doubt. I'm just a guy.

You can't believe how often couples therapy comes down to me saying, in effect: "You're not really describing a pathology or a problem needing fixing or even an immaturity. You're describing a woman. You're describing a guy. What you're observing are attributes containing gifts to offer and vulnerabilities (or dark sides) to manage. You'd miss these qualities if they were gone."

While "Caveman's" hook is protesting degrading anatomical associations, its deeper message moves me. When men and women have the freedom to be truly themselves, each has gifts to offer the other -- gifts honoring the other, gifts expanding and fulfilling the other's world. In Becker's words, "A man makes a safe place for a woman to practice her magic."

That made me smile. It reminded me how and why I admire women.

Looking back on my journey toward an authentic masculine identity, it has taken me the better part of 50 years to dig out of the folly of this culture and find my way to self-respect. I'll never again apologize to a woman for being a guy. Thriving male/female relationships are marked by joy, mystery, begrudging respect, bemusement, incredulity and regular doses of discomfort and irritation.

None of this means anything is wrong with either of us.

Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Clear View Counseling and Wellness Center in Las Vegas. His columns appear on Sundays and Tuesdays. Questions for the Asking Human Matters column or comments can be e-mailed to skalas@reviewjournal.com.