Hauck’s team won’t concede, so neither will I

Bobby Hauck had all the correct answers this week, and why shouldn't he? Contrary to popular belief, his UNLV football team tonight isn't playing the 1981 Chargers, '83 Redskins and '99 Rams all rolled into one giant blue-and-orange monster.

OK, maybe just the '99 Rams.

Boise State and its perfect record and lofty Bowl Championship Series ranking and Heisman Trophy candidate at quarterback visit Sam Boyd Stadium, meaning this isn't any regular ol' home game where you can arrive 10 minutes before kickoff and be assured of a front-row parking space.

But that his team is a 42-point underdog doesn't have Hauck willing to forfeit and head to Montana for a weekend of fly- fishing.

He is as he should be -- adamant in his conviction that the Rebels have an opportunity to win.

"It's a competitive endeavor," Hauck said. "We keep score, and the object is to score more points than they do. We don't want to concede anything, ever."

Good for him, although should the Rebels pull off what some might view a greater miracle than that water-to-wine trick, pity those who come within 10 feet of Hauck.

Can you imagine the handshakes and back slaps from this guy if UNLV won?

Let's pull a Hauck and not concede a column. Let's offer seven reasons UNLV could win a game in which it is a seven-touchdown underdog.

1. The look-ahead factor. In one of the greatest upsets in college football scheduling history, Boise State was given a week off to prepare for UNLV, and I'm guessing after the Broncos did so by spending several days sleeping or throwing pies at each other or giving each other wedgies or sharpening their skills on Xbox, someone realized they host Texas Christian next week.

2. Hauck is really Pvt. Vincent "Alphabet" Languilli. Hauck disappointed this week when passing on the idea of showing his team "Hoosiers," which I watched for the 100th time this month and am proud of such a worthless accomplishment. But then he threw out the flick "Hamburger Hill," as a possible source of motivation, and, well, you have to believe if the Rebels saw all those casualties and enemy fire turning troops into shredded hamburger meat as they continued to storm the hill, the idea of controlling quarterback Kellen Moore and the Boise State offense wouldn't seem all that insurmountable.

3. Hauck also is an AC/DC sort of guy, so I'm guessing he will have someone mess with the visiting headphones and all Boise State coach Chris Petersen will hear is a little "Highway to Hell" and "Back in Black" all night, thus not allowing him to micromanage every detail and causing him to curl up into a tiny ball near the team's bench.

4. Word will get to Petersen that a reporter is thinking of asking his kicker questions after the game. Given how he responded at the end of last season in regard to such inquiries about Kyle Brotzman, such a thought also might send Petersen over the edge, and his team won't know how to react. The good news is, Brotzman reportedly is doing well in the secluded cabin near the Boise River where Petersen apparently has stashed him for the next decade just in case someone mentions a few missed field goals against UNR.

5. Moore becomes distracted with fear and can't throw a straight pass when someone mentions his wife is in the stands and UNLV fans have mistaken her for Brigham Young's Sarah Cummard.

6. Hauck talks enough trash during that little pregame chat coaches like to hold at midfield and convinces Petersen to settle things like real men, with an arm-wrestling contest. The fly-fisherman crushes his counterpart, and Petersen, being rushed to a hospital with his hand wrapped in ice, refuses for his players to comment on the five-second pin or the devastating loss.

7. It's homecoming for UNLV. I'm certain there is a sensible reason the Rebels scheduled such a festive night against an opponent it could be trailing by 30 at halftime over one it could beat, but I haven't found one yet. I suppose UNLV's best hope is, then, that the queen drops her crown on the field, Moore trips over it during second-half warmups, can't return to action and Caleb Herring throws seven touchdown passes over the final 30 minutes to hand the Rebels a victory.

With such sound reasoning, why would Hauck concede a thing?

Las Vegas Review-Journal sports columnist Ed Graney can be reached at egraney@reviewjournal.com or 702-383-4618. He can be heard from 3 to 5 p.m. Tuesday and Thursday on "Monsters of the Midday," Fox Sports Radio 920 AM. Follow him on Twitter: @edgraney.