Stand-up comedy: Shaq vs. Oscar

In the column world, my friends, this is known as a layup.

Buffoonery knows no bounds.

Especially with reality television.

They had a news conference at Planet Hollywood on Tuesday to film an upcoming episode of "Shaq VS," the new program in which NBA center Shaquille O'Neal spends his offseason challenging other professional athletes in their own sports.

The opposition in this specific challenge is Oscar De La Hoya. It was announced beforehand that De La Hoya is "semi-retired," meaning whoever wrote that line didn't see the guy's last fight. There is nothing semi about it, if he wants to live a long, healthy life.

The show was scheduled to debut nationally Tuesday, and my guess is the ratings will easily eclipse those of "The T.O. Show." The numbers watching Terrell Owens getting ready for the ESPY Awards and throwing a bachelor party compare roughly to how many frogs you can fit in a coffee mug.

News conference is too strong a description for what occurred Tuesday. Far too official. It was more circus without elephants but plenty of clowns.

The first sign was when a female public-relations type -- who I pray was from the TV side of things and not Planet Hollywood, people who in the past have seemed to own a clue -- began asking the people sitting in the reporters' section which ones were the "real reporters."

Realizing the guy next to me was this close to pulling out his autograph book for O'Neal's arrival, I identified myself as working media. The woman then began to tell me what questions to ask O'Neal and De La Hoya, that it was important to push the angle of the actual matchup.

You know, because this is all so legitimate.

I listened. I laughed. She walked away. She then told a group of fans not to worry about "looking like a real reporter," but they were far too attractive anyway.

"This is obviously not Shaq's sport," she told those gathered, professional and not. "There is obviously a big height difference (whew, glad she cleared that up). Don't say, 'I'm a hotel guest!' You are all reporters today!"

Not if they start asking questions about circulation numbers. ...

I signed a piece of paper that either allows them to use my likeness in the episode (which I am sure will be left on the floor when they see my mug roll across the screen) or have me whipped and beaten if I whisper one syllable about what happened in the fight (which was staged Tuesday night).

The thing is, O'Neal is one of the few athletes in decades who is genuinely funny. He is entertaining, charismatic. This kind of show works because of him, unlike the countless tedious, unconvincing, baseless drivel that is produced solely to feed athletes' egos.

Did someone mention Mark Philippoussis?

I want to see O'Neal swim against Michael Phelps and hit against Albert Pujols and fight De La Hoya with 16-ounce gloves and headgear in a 24x24 ring for five rounds, idiotic as it seems. I want to see Sasquatch boxing Mini Me while wearing gloves made for Bozo.

That's funny.

"The biggest challenge of my life," said De La Hoya, who can do hype like nobody's business. "But you can't pass up the chance to go against the greatest basketball player that ever lived."

Michael Jordan was fighting?

You knew De La Hoya would jump at the chance to be involved. I'm pretty sure it has been more than two minutes since he has been out of a spotlight, so he undoubtedly broke out in hives and needed this fix. He has a lot of Magic Johnson in him that way.

"This will be the most talked-about non-good fight in the history of sports," O'Neal said. "My name is now Manny Shaquiao."

It is what it is. It has a chance to be amusing.

Bernard Hopkins will train De La Hoya and was the best bet in any sports book Tuesday to have the longest answer to a question, and Freddie Roach will train O'Neal.

But it's about as serious as that ABC-TV news release announcing a news conference and offering a circus. Cleveland will pay O'Neal $21 million next season. There isn't a chance the Cavaliers would allow any of this to happen if there was real opportunity for injury.

"Every fighter has an advantage and a disadvantage," De La Hoya said, still sounding far too serious for the moment. "I want (O'Neal) to feel what it's like to be inside the ring. The adrenaline and taking a hard punch and the speed. ... He is the greatest athlete ever."

Jim Thorpe was fighting?

Las Vegas Review-Journal sports columnist Ed Graney can be reached at egraney@reviewjournal.com or 702-383-4618. He also can be heard weeknights from 11 p.m. to 1 a.m. on "The Sports Scribes" on KDWN (720 AM).