Bring your wallet, and watch your (behind), at UFC Fan Expo

The late, great George Carlin once said you can buy anything in this country. That if you look around long enough, you probably can purchase a left nostril inhaler with your state motto on it that glows in the dark.

That thought crossed my mind Friday as I strolled the wide aisles of testosterone at the UFC Fan Expo at Mandalay Bay.

Wherever you looked, to channel Carlin again, somebody had glued together two pieces of wood that never had been glued together before, affixed the UFC logo to it - or a Tapout or Affliction decal - and somebody bought it. For $19.95. Plus tax.

It cost $45 to get in the show, a whole lot more to leave.

Rhiannon Emmot of Napa Valley, Calif., was lugging around two huge plastic bags of stuff for which she paid around $200.

Most of it was Tapout gear off the clearance racks she had stuffed into those plastic sacks like dirty laundry. She was much more protective of a poster commemorating the epic Forrest Griffin-Stephan Bonnar bout that capped the first installment of "The Ultimate Fighter" on Spike TV.

It's gonna look great, framed, in her husband's man cave back home in NoCal, she said.

Rhiannon was ringing (the cash register) like a bell in the night: She and hubby Rich said they hoped to get out of town after UFC 148 tonight for less than $2,000, and this is why the convention and visitors authority loves the octagon - and boxing and some of these other sports should be envious of it.

From walking those aisles, I also learned there are many ways for one to get his (behind) kicked.

The Korean Zombie probably would have done it for free, but the line was much too long to obtain the signature of Chan Sung Jung, the Ultimate Fighting Championship featherweight known for "moving forward and fighting aggressively, even after taking heavy blows."

When I sort of got his attention, the Korean Zombie was bowing and smiling, and if there's anything I hate, it's getting my (behind) kicked by a featherweight who bows and smiles.

The line was much shorter to have one's picture taken with a former UFC fighter named Frank Trigg, whose real name is Dewey Franklin Trigg III. Though he seemed a nice guy, his head was shaved and his toenails were painted lavender, and if there's anything I hate worse than getting my (behind) kicked by a featherweight who bows and smiles, it's getting my (behind) kicked by a guy who paints his toenails lavender.

I thought it might be better to approach Trigg while wearing a Mexican wrestling mask. But the Mil Mascaras impersonators out front of the contractkillerclothing.com booth said their masks weren't for sale, that I needed to purchase some mixed martial arts trunks, because "that's where the power comes from." And they just happened to have these powerful trunks in my size.

I remained steadfast, offering $20 for one of the Mexican wrestling masks. But they said the masks were what attracted UFC fans to the booth, that they were more cost effective than hiring long-legged models with giant, um, personalities.

But I did not encounter any surgically enhanced Mary Magdalenes at a booth offering "Jesus Didn't Tap" sweatshirts, with a cross forming the "T" in Tap.

I told Joe Dotterweich, the guy working the booth, that the Jesus I thought I knew when I was an altar boy wasn't known for kicking (behind) and whatnot, but Dotterweich said Jesus "never submitted" and was the "ultimate warrior" (even if a pro wrestler stole his nickname).

But perhaps the most effective method for kicking somebody's (behind) was plunking down $39.99 for a stun gun disguised as a pocket camera, cellphone case or flashlight at the Krazy Kool Joint, which specializes in "innovative products for the smart shopper."

Will and Terri McKnight of Bakersfield, Calif., had just finished becoming smart shoppers, having purchased a pink fake pocket camera that puts out 4 million volts. I mentioned to Terri McKnight that I didn't know Bakersfield to be crime infested, but she said she was attacked there once, in the Walmart parking lot.

"I kicked him in the (testicles) - I was wearing heels," she said. To which I said, wincing, that perhaps she didn't need a 4 million-volt Taser disguised as a camera; to which she said one doesn't always wear heels in Bakersfield.

To which I said "good point" and winced again.

So after arriving at the blendtec.com booth too late to watch a guy who sort of looked like Jerry Lewis grind up a rake handle in a blender, I followed some BaddAsses - two D's, as per the nutrition shakes, and also as per the models out front - and stopped by the UFC tent, the grand mal of UFC Fan Zone merchandisers.

I didn't see any left nostril inhalers with Anderson Silva's picture on front. But there's a new line of UFC fighter-themed trash cans, one of which is going to look great in my office when they hit the clearance table.

Las Vegas Review-Journal sports columnist Ron Kantowski can be reached at rkantowski@reviewjournal.com or 702-383-0352. Follow him on Twitter: @ronkantowski.