Some unsolicited advice for the Baseball Bieber

Bryce Harper's eventful first professional baseball season likely ended prematurely because of a pulled hamstring, so the Las Vegan will now have free time to download MP3s and play video games and hang out near the concession stand at high school football games, or whatever teenagers do.

Harper also will have time for soul searching, though, based on my faint recollection of once being his age, searching one's soul at 18 usually is secondary to searching for somebody of legal age to buy a bottle of Boone's Farm.

My advice to the Baseball Bieber (.256, three home runs, 12 RBIs, 37 games at Double-A Harrisburg) would be to steer clear of the Boone's Farm. That stuff will give you a headache. Especially Strawberry Hill.

As for the way social media types and 17th-round draft choices perceive his attitude (or lack of it) between the lines, if that is important to Harper, these would be my recommendations:

• If you get into a fuss with the opposing pitcher, do not blow a kiss at him after you hit a home run. Even people who attend minor league games can afford video cameras these days, and when they post the video on YouTube, they will not post the part where the opposing pitcher started running his mouth first. And then you'll look like the bad guy.

• Exception to above: If your brother Bryan, a right-handed pitcher, gets traded to another organization, it's OK to throw him a kiss should you ever face him. In fact, I'd even recommend it. The bloggers will love it, and you will certainly make ESPN's Plays of the Day.

• The next time you are promoted, and some pitcher from the Dominican Republic has dibs on No. 34, your favorite number, do not offer a significant amount of cash for his jersey. This will make it appear you have a large ego, and call attention to the fact that your signing bonus was much larger than his. Inquire, instead, about any single-digit numbers that haven't been retired by the Yankees. Or you can just ask for a weird number, like 68, and pretend it's spring training.

• This one is really important: Do not attempt to grow back your mustache. It makes you look like a young John Waters.

• Keep signing autographs for kids. Tousle their hair. I don't know what it is about tousling the hair of one who is younger, but people seem to like it, though it's probably not all that healthy.

• Some minor league umpires would like nothing better than to one day tell their grandchildren they ejected you from a ballgame. So the next time an ump rings you up on a pitch a foot outside, just tell him he's going to have to read a Harry Potter book to his grandkids or buy them ice cream, like the other grandpas.

• Talk to the media. You can say anything and we will write it down. And then we will say you are a great guy, because you are so accessible. Like Jim Thome.

• But before you do any of these things, you must first apologize to the baseball fans in Portland, Maine. They bought up a bunch of tickets for Harrisburg's three-game series in Portland that begins Monday to see you play and are none too happy you pulled your hamstring.

THREE UP

■ UNLV football coach Bobby Hauck had two more years tacked onto his contract (Board of Regents permitting) despite going 2-11 during his first season, in which the Rebels played a difficult schedule and a ton of freshmen. This also can be construed as a sign that UNLV's dire financial condition is improving.

■ Bishop Gorman is No. 7 in the Rivals.com Top 100 national high school football rankings and, thus far, has yet to be implicated in anything by convicted Ponzi schemer Nevin Shapiro.

■ Las Vegas resident Patrick Carpentier, winner of five IndyCar races during a 27-year career in motor sports, received a huge ovation after retiring from Saturday's NASCAR Nationwide Series race in his native Montreal and retiring from competitive auto racing on the spot, at age 40. It was a fitting tribute for one of the sport's true gentlemen.

THREE DOWN

■ While surfing channels, I noticed Karl Ravech and John Kruk were holding court on "Game Day at the Little League World Series," or whatever ESPN is calling it. It seemed a bit much for 12-year-olds. I kept waiting for Lee Corso to wander onto the set wearing the head of the La Grange, Ky., mascot.

■ There could have been a Formula One auto racing circuit with affordable golf on the land upon which Bill Walters built the Bali Hai Golf Club and Boondoggle. Andre Agassi also wanted to put some tennis courts there. Now, there's apparently going to be an industrial park. This smacks of a Jim Hendry trade.

■ The headline on the email said Ri' Ra' Las Vegas, at The Shoppes at Mandalay Place, is Las Vegas' home for Barclay's Premier League soccer. I had absolutely no idea the Crown & Anchor on Tropicana Avenue had closed. Oh, it hasn't.

Las Vegas Review-Journal columnist Ron Kantowski can be reached at rkantowski@reviewjournal.com or 702-383-0352. Follow him on Twitter: @ronkantowski.