Golden Knights championship merch is getting weird

You fought the crowds for merchandise at the Arsenal.

Soaked up the madness and plenty of secondhand alcohol at the victory parade.

And you got chicken fingers from Jack Eichel and autographs from Mark Stone and Jonathan Marchessault.

What’s left for a dedicated Golden Knights fan to do?

There’s always online shopping, where pretty much anything big enough to hold a Stanley Cup Champions logo is available for a price.

Over at Fanatics, which has spent the past few years all but cornering the market on sports merchandise, you don’t have to settle for caps and T-shirts when you can buy clocks, pillows, nightlights, onesies, bottle openers, golf balls, headphones and earbuds, USB chargers, multiple lightswitch plates, a pool table light and a $500 “minimalist canvas wrap” art piece — all to commemorate the 2023 Stanley Cup.

Have a little extra cash laying around? There’s a jersey signed by Ivan Barbashev, Teddy Blueger, William Carrier, Jack Eichel, Adin Hill, Brett Howden, Ben Hutton, William Karlsson, Keegan Kolesar, Jonathan Marchessault, Brayden McNabb, Nicolas Roy, Reilly Smith, Chandler Stephenson, Mark Stone, Shea Theodore and Zach Whitecloud ($1,999.99) — and a display case bearing the Stanley Cup Champions logo to hang it in ($249.99).

If you want your own Stanley Cup, they come in a crystal version filled with ice from the Stanley Cup Final ($79.99), an 8-inch replica ($49.99), a 25-inch replica complete with white gloves, an NHL tablecloth and black velvet storage bag ($399.99), and a 2-foot replica signed by 17 players ($2,499.99).

Framed collages honoring goaltenders Adin Hill and Laurent Brossoit ($149.99), the team ($129.99), the team with a special mention of Jonathan Marchessault ($129.99) and Marchessault’s Conn Smythe Award ($89.99) — all with a piece of game-used net from the Stanley Cup Final, in limited editions of 500 each. Exactly how many nets did they use during those five games?

In addition to individually signed player photos ($49.99-$179.99), there’s the team photo “with multiple signatures” ($999.99 or $1,199.99 framed).

Identical Stanley Cup Championship pucks signed by various players offer an interesting look at the team’s hierarchy based on their prices: Jack Eichel ($119.99), Mark Stone ($89.99), William Karlsson ($89.99), Adin Hill ($89.99), Jonathan Marchessault ($79.99), Reilly Smith ($69.99), Chandler Stephenson ($59.99), Shea Theodore ($59.99), Brayden McNabb ($59.99), William Carrier ($59.99), Zach Whitecloud ($59.99), Ivan Barbashev ($59.99), Nicolas Roy ($49.99), Keegan Kolesar ($49.99), Brett Howden ($49.99), Ben Hutton ($49.99) and Teddy Blueger ($49.99). The addition of a “2023 SC Champs” inscription, kind of unnecessary on a puck that already says that, will tack on anywhere from $20 to $50.

Then there’s the shadowbox containing pucks signed by the six remaining Misfits ($549.99) that’s part of a limited edition of 500.

With all that signing, the team’s biggest obstacle to repeating as Stanley Cup champs may be carpal tunnel syndrome.