‘Osbournes: Reloaded’ sets bar low for variety shows

From the beginning of "Kings" to the end of "Battlestar Galactica" and the angels battling demons on "Supernatural" in between, the notion of a higher power has taken on a more-prominent-than-usual place on my TV.

But while I'm still not entirely certain I believe in hell, I'm convinced that if it does exist, the only things there would be a never-ending pimento loaf, a rusty folding chair, and a 13-inch, snowy, black-and-white TV showing "Osbournes: Reloaded" (9:20 p.m. Tuesday, KVVU-TV, Channel 5).

The first of six planned specials, the 40-minute "Reloaded" is the foul-mouthed family's attempt at reinventing the variety show, a format that a few months ago seemed like TV's next big thing.

CBS is developing one for John Mayer, and rapper Nelly is pitching his own that would take place at the Planet Hollywood Resort. But between the turkey Rosie O'Donnell delivered the night before Thanksgiving with NBC's "Rosie Live!" -- Liza Minnelli! Dancing cakes and cookies! Alec Baldwin hitting Conan O'Brien in the face with a pie! -- and the crude shenanigans of The Osbournes, the variety show's comeback may be shorter than the dress "Reloaded" guest star Pam Anderson topples out of.

Just how brutal is it? The first scene on the highlight reel -- Fox made only six minutes of footage available -- is of Sharon Osbourne squeezing daughter Kelly's breast.

And it's only downhill from there. In just two generations, variety shows have gone from Ed Sullivan launching the Beatles in America to Ozzy wailing, "Come on, Granny, show us your tits!"

The Osbournes, who seem to delight in sexualizing elderly women, have that granny perform a striptease behind a screen for what is quite possibly the most disturbing silhouette in television history. Trust me when I say that screen leaves painfully little to the imagination, with every shimmying bulge on display.

But the alleged payoff comes when it's revealed that she's the grandmother of an audience member. The granny then shows her face, and the poor sap's reaction is captured to live on forever in YouTube infamy.

The other bit, shown in promos so often as to emphasize the "nausea" in ad nauseam, involves a young blindfolded guy tricked into making out with a little old lady.

It's still early, but "Reloaded" looks to be the worst thing to happen to senior citizens since incontinence.

The rest of the episode includes Ozzy and Kelly working a restaurant's drive-through window and flinging food at the unsuspecting drivers, small children dropping bleeped F-bombs as Little Ozzy and Little Sharon, and Ozzy spraying foam all over the audience.

And that's just what Fox wanted critics to see.

Granted, the variety show could use an update from the days of Carol Burnett, the Smothers Brothers and even our own Donny and Marie. But The Osbournes approach "Reloaded" with such hostility, they seem hell-bent on destroying the genre once and for all. You'd swear a variety show ran over their dog, backed over it for good measure and then spit on its grave.

"It's just fun," Sharon says of the show in the electronic press kit that accompanied the clips. "It's just like, sit down, watch it with the family, have a laugh." Exactly what family besides hers is watching this? The Manson family? The Gambino crime family? Any parents who let their youngsters view this mess deserve nothing less than the full unrelenting wrath and condescending scorn that only Nancy Grace can provide. Heck, I wish my parents had found a way to keep me from seeing it.

Assuming "Reloaded" doesn't scare off interest in variety shows altogether, the only way Mayer's could be worse would be if he strangled bald eagles while singing "MacArthur Park." Or if he just spent the entire hour getting back with Jennifer Aniston and then dumping her, over and over again. And anything Nelly does would almost have to be better, just by virtue of bringing at least a couple of dozen warm bodies to the beleaguered Strip.

Yes, I've misjudged The Osbournes' popularity before. Back in 2001, I was at a "Frasier" taping when the guy behind me started bragging that he was working on a show that put cameras inside Ozzy's house. It was all I could do not to blurt out "Who could possibly want to see that?"

And it's almost always unfair to judge a show -- even one that apparently couldn't even muster a full hour -- on just six minutes.

But when those six minutes are this dreadful, I'll go out on that limb.

At one point, Sharon growls, "This is the show where anything can happen to anyone at anytime!"

Yeah? Can I be entertained from 9:20 to 10 p.m. Tuesday on Fox?

I didn't think so.

Christopher Lawrence's Life on the Couch column appears on Sundays. E-mail him at clawrence@reviewjournal.com.