Being a Nielsen family serious business

If you've ever found the perfect groove in your couch -- the kind where the cushions and pillows align so perfectly you wouldn't even consider getting up for anything less than two-thirds of the Kardashian sisters on your doorstep holding a reasonable mortgage and some In-N-Out -- then you know what it's like when the phone rings.

And not the cell that's within reach, but the land line, all the way across the room, that you stubbornly keep even though the only calls you get on it are the final notices that the warranty on your car is expiring.

But you climb out of your groove and grab the phone, because not answering it would mean you'd be breaking some sort of unspoken social contract. Not answering it also means you'd never get to be a Nielsen family.

When I got the call a couple of weeks ago, I assumed I'd eventually be disqualified from the TV ratings survey. After all, I'm a professional watcher in a field of amateurs. But after assuring the caller that I didn't work for a TV channel, a cable system or a satellite provider, I was in for a week as a Nielsen family.

And it turns out I really had no idea how the ratings work.

"24," "Family Guy," "The Daily Show"...

First things first. You have to keep a list of everything you watched for the week -- which I've included here -- along with when you viewed it. According to Anne Elliott, vice president of communications for The Nielsen Company, roughly 3,800 local households are selected to represent the market's 728,410 homes with televisions by keeping ratings diaries during each quarterly sweeps period. (February sweeps were delayed until March this year because of the planned digital transition.)

... "The L Word" retrospective, "The L Word" finale, "American Idol," "Rock of Love Bus" ...

And, yes, you have to write down everything, no matter how embarrassing. It would have been easier on my ego, though, had I been one of the valley's 400 standing Nielsen families -- the ones who have their TVs metered for up to five years to automatically transmit information about what's playing on them -- and not had to scribble away about Bret Michaels in a diary like some 14-year-old girl in 1988.

... "Life," "Reaper," "Supernatural" ...

As tempted as I was to write down shows I'd like to help in the ratings, whether I watched them or not, I didn't. I took the Nielsens about as seriously as Hank Hill takes the Texas Propane Gas Association. But while I tried to play by the rules, I noticed almost immediately that my viewing habits had changed. Instead of DVRing everything and watching shows at my convenience, even weeks later, I started burning through my DVR, staying up way later than usual, making sure to watch all the series I care about in time to boost their ratings.

... two episodes of "30 Rock," two episodes of "The Office," two episodes of "Heroes," two episodes of "Damages," three episodes of "Chuck" ...

Like I said, sometimes I let shows slide for a couple of weeks. But ratings only count as long as you watch an episode within seven days. Anything later than that and as far as Nielsen is concerned, you'd might as well have spent that time doing something useless. Like checking your 401(k) or, God forbid, reading a book.

... "House," "How I Met Your Mother," "Dancing with the Stars" ...

OK, I was tricked into this one. "Dancing" dominates the time slot that includes four of my favorite shows -- "House," "Chuck," "Gossip Girl" and "How I Met Your Mother" -- and I'd never purposely help it. But a friend called and was watching "Dancing," so I flipped over to it while we talked. It wasn't until half an hour later when I hung up to watch "How I Met Your Mother" that I remembered I'd have to include "Dancing" as well. Nooooooo!

... "Nip/Tuck," "Lie to Me," "Eastbound & Down," three episodes of "Late Show with David Letterman" ...

This is one of the flaws of only looking at one week of viewing. I adore Letterman, but I'm too old to routinely stay up that late. Although because it was U2 week, I DVRed three nights. Now, it looks like I'm a regular viewer when I really only see "Late Show" maybe a half-dozen times a year.

... "The Soup," "The West Wing" pilot, "Castle" ...

I'd already seen a screener of this "Castle," and it's a fun show that could use some ratings. But while I didn't stumble across it until the last five minutes, even that little bit counts as a full 15 minutes. Score!

... "Burn Notice," "Battlestar Galactica," "Dollhouse" and "Friday Night Lights."

I'd also already seen this particular "Friday Night Lights" on DVD. But it's having such a tough time in the ratings, I wanted to help it as much as possible by watching it live. I was thrilled at the chance to prove to NBC that people really do care about the series.

Except NBC has no idea. The network may never find out, and even if it does, it may not care.

"It doesn't factor into anything in terms of national ratings," Elliott said of the diary keeping after my week was over. "It probably doesn't factor into anything in terms of a network deciding whether or not a show is going to stay on the air."

Huh?

As opposed to the 400 metered homes that determine national ratings, it turns out all those late nights, all that meticulous record keeping mostly was to tell local affiliates who's watching their newscasts. (Not me.) To a lesser extent, they want to know who's watching their syndicated daytime and late-night series. (Not me either, at least not that week.)

The only real impact I had on the shows I care about is that now, the local stations might be able to charge the likes of Glen Lerner, Ed Bernstein and payday loan centers a little bit more for commercials during them.

But I can live with that.

I guess.

At least I didn't help "Dancing with the Stars."

Christopher Lawrence's Life on the Couch column appears on Sundays. E-mail him at clawrence@reviewjournal.com.