Embrace holiday consumerism with some tasteful TV knickknacks

One of the greatest things about TV is its power to move you, even briefly, when you least expect it.

The other night, I was wrapping presents and absentmindedly watching "A Charlie Brown Christmas" when its anti-consumerism, real-meaning-of-Christmas message finally sunk in.

Then and there I decided I would no longer be a part of the problem. I would use this space to share ways of helping your fellow man instead of promoting the latest novelties that reek of corporate greed.

There would be no Third Annual Life on the Couch "Holy Crap, It's Almost Christmas and I Still Haven't Found Anything for the TV Addict on My List" List.

Then I glanced over at my officially licensed "A Charlie Brown Christmas" tree, took a sip from my officially licensed "A Charlie Brown Christmas" mug and grabbed a tasty mint from my officially licensed "A Charlie Brown Christmas" candy jar.

What the heck. If Charles Schulz was OK with commercializing the most beloved anti-commercialization story of our time -- a quick Internet search turns up dozens more items, from T-shirts to throw pillows -- who am I to try to stop you from buying a few knickknacks?

Leave it to E!'s most ridiculous show -- and that's no small feat -- to sell the "Dr. 90210" paperweight, a silicone gel-filled tchotchke shaped like a breast implant ($4.99; eonline.seenon.com). The accompanying description says it's "sure to be a conversation piece around the office!" And plaintiff's Exhibit A in your next sexual harassment defense! But why stop there when you could add the "Nip/Tuck" female body flask, a 5-ounce pewter container shaped like a woman's nude torso ($74.95; wbtvshop. com)?

E! also offers "The Girls Next Door" bobbleheads, plastic replicas of Hugh Hefner's plastic girlfriends ($24.95 each, or all three plus a Hefner bobblehead for $74.85; eonline. seenon.com). It seems like they missed the boat on this one, though. If you've ever seen them, you'd know it shouldn't be their heads that bobble. Or if you're looking for something a little more upscale, try the "Desperate Housewives" porcelain dolls by M Alexander ($129.95 each, or all five for $550; abctvstore. seenon.com). Only 350 were made. At these prices, I'm betting 349 are left.

If your loved one is into daytime TV, few things could top the "Jerry Springer" beer stein, with the show's logo on one side and "I'm one drink away from kissing my cousin" on the other ($16; nbcuniversalstore.com). But if that's too classy, any baby would look great in the "Maury" onesie that salutes the show's paternity test-mania with the phrase "I met my Daddy on Maury" ($14.95; nbcuniversalstore.com).

For the ladies, consider the Oprah kiwi floral silk journal ($100; boutique. oprah.com). If you think a Benjamin Franklin is too hefty a price to pay for a diary, maybe you're just not ready to have an Oprah fan in your life. But if she feels at home in the kitchen, perhaps she'd enjoy the Paula Deen butt massage ($14.95 for two; foodnetworkstore. com). I've never been sure whether the popular cooking-show host is a little bit dirty or if she just stumbles, Mr. Magoo-style, into a string of double-entendres. The name of this "wonderful blend of spices (for) any pork butt" doesn't clear anything up. Neither does her hoecake mix ($19.95 for two).

And speaking of the kitchen, who among us hasn't run to the fridge when the game was on and thought "Why isn't there a TV on this thing?" Thanks to LG's HDTV refrigerator, now there is ($3,799; us.lge. com). A 15-inch, LCD one at that. It also supposedly keeps things cold. But who cares? There's a TV on it! Or if you need a TV for a teenager, or your creepy uncle who just discovered Vanessa Hudgens, there's the "High School Musical" TV, a 15-inch LCD framed by miniature lockers, just like the ones at East High ($299; disney shopping.go.com).

If your special someone can't get enough HBO, try the Porkstone, a chunk of "The Sopranos' " Satriale's Pork Store ($25-$50; www. porkstone.com). Or consider "Entourage" T-shirts from several of the show's fake movie and TV series: Vince's "Medellin" and "Queens Blvd." and Johnny Drama's "Five Towns" and "Viking Quest" ($19.99 each; store.hbo.com).

And finally, if someone on your list is a little too into their favorite show, there's a replica of the "Ugly Betty" Guadalajara poncho ($39.95; abctvstore. seenon.com) seen on the pilot episode or, from "The Office," a replica Dundie Award, complete with six interchangeable placards, including "Hottest in the Office Award" and the now- classic "Bushiest Beaver Award" ($20; nbc universalstore.com).

Happy shopping.

Christopher Lawrence's Life on the Couch column appears on Mondays. E-mail him at clawrence@ reviewjournal.com.