‘Real Housewives’ hilariously out of touch

No matter how petty, jealous and materialistic some of them might seem -- (cough) Tamra Barney (cough) -- it's hard not to feel at least a little sorry for the women of "The Real Housewives of Orange County" (10 p.m. Thursdays, Bravo).

After all, while the economy has forced millions of Americans to scale back or downsize, only a handful of them are having to do so on national TV.

So far this season, three of the housewives have either moved to smaller digs or are contemplating it, and a fourth, Gretchen Rossi, has no visible means of income aside from a sparsely attended garage sale.

"The only one who's not struggling in this market is Vicki (Gunvalson)," Jeana Keough says at one point, "but she's working 15 hours a day."

Two years ago, Vicki wanted to spend in the mid-six-figures to install a swimming pool that could shoot fire. And she's the only one left with any money? Did the others flush all their cash straight down the toilet? Or did they stop to burn it first?

"It's weird to be at a point where you have to think before you make a purchase," Jeana says. "I just never had to do it."

A Realtor who specializes in homes worth more than $2 million, Jeana says she's lost more than two-thirds of her income. After selling off watches, cars and artwork to generate extra spending money, she turns to her teenage son for financial advice. His first tip: Stop buying $200 lunches.

But therein lies the conundrum many of the cast members face: They need to curtail their frivolous spending, but frivolous spending is the only reason they're on TV.

"It's not about how much money you have," Lynne Curtin says in the show's opening credits, "it's about how good you look spending it." Even though she's shown downsizing from a home in Capistrano Beach to one in Laguna Beach -- which is kind of like downsizing from Angelina Jolie to Megan Fox, but whatever -- Lynne goes out and gets a pricey face-lift for herself and a nose job for her daughter. She's since been evicted.

These women seem to understand money the way a horse understands algebra, and most of them wouldn't recognize an average American if they stepped on one in their $1,500 shoes.

Knowing full well how awful the real estate market is, Jeana decides to try to sell her 9,000-square-foot home anyway. "I could be happy in a 5,000-square-foot house," she tells herself. Happy? I'd get agoraphobia in 5,000 square feet. That's more room than every place I've ever called home. Combined.

But when Jeana quits the show -- she's said she needed to focus on making more money than her reported $30,000-per-episode salary provided -- she's replaced, like shark's teeth or members of Menudo, by someone younger, not to mention even more hilariously out of touch.

Alexis Bellino shows up, with her sculpted, surgically enhanced body and sense of entitlement, complaining about how hard it is to raise three young children -- despite the help of two nannies. For her efforts, her husband, Jim, gives her the kind of bling-encrusted medallion that would make "30 Rock's" Tracy Jordan blush. He then proceeds to mention its weight, seven carats, four times in under a minute.

As proof of the existence of karma -- or at least a devious programming executive -- Alexis spends most of her time with Tamra, the least sympathetic of the women and the one who seems to be having the toughest time adjusting to her new reality.

"Two years ago, we were on top of the world," Tamra says. "If I would've known then that things were gonna be this bad, I would've been a little smarter and put money away."

She's been shown crying over having to list her home at a substantial loss, and she's had to give up her maid service, which is why she was cleaning her own floors with a Swiffer moments before Alexis breezed in for a visit, wicked stepsister-style, with one of her ever-present nannies in tow.

"The Real Housewives of Orange County" may not generate the headlines of its table-throwing New Jersey counterparts or its national security-breaching future colleagues in Washington, but this turbulent season has been the show's most interesting yet.

The turmoil may even be making the women better people. It's at least making them seem more human. Well, most of them, anyway.

"We're doing things that we didn't do before," Tamra says, as her loved ones are shown cleaning the house. "We do things as a family, and I enjoy it more. I enjoy it more."

Then, after a brief pause, her old ways kick in. "But I love having money, too."

Christopher Lawrence's Life on the Couch column appears on Sundays. E-mail him at clawrence@ reviewjournal.com.