A bit of friendly political ‘advice’ from the other side

I've "obtained" this piece of correspondence from "a senior Democratic strategist" posing as a friend to a young Republican consultant in order to proffer some rather diabolical advice. Apologies to the great C.S. Lewis, from whom this literary device is liberally borrowed and poorly imitated.

My dear Randy:

I see from your email that you're disconsolate at the loss suffered by Mitt Romney in the recent election. Have I taught you nothing? Part of the joy of being a Republican is never having to say you're sorry, since you know you're never wrong. We may be delayed, but we're never defeated.

Clearly, we lost - as Romney himself said - because of the increasingly socialist nature of this government and the masses of sheeple who are its subjects and the recipients of its many gifts. It appears we are outnumbered, at least for now, by the mewling masses, but all is not lost.

The question is, what do we do now? The whiners, the surrenderists, the weaklings of our party are already moaning about how we have to appeal more to independents, to Hispanics, to blacks and Latinos and women. They're saying we can't be the party that always says no to taxes, or stands in the way of "progress."

In other words, they want us to quit, to walk away from our principles, the time-tested ideas that made this country great! They want to replace equal opportunity for all with identity politics, principle with pragmatism and opposition with compromise and surrender. What's the point of even having an opposition party?

We have to continue to appeal to the basics! The Constitution! Freedom! Liberty! Those words are still powerful! (Ask Frank Luntz, if you see him, but don't trust that guy: He's a squish.)

Now you and I both know that many of the people in our base don't really know anything about the Constitution. Most have never read it and some would be shocked if they did. As with the Bible, it's very useful to play on what people think the document says, not what it actually says, and under no circumstances should we ever encourage the actual reading of it. My God, if people ever found out how that thing came to be, how a feuding and stalwart people actually compromised to form the nation, we'd be sunk!

Remember, we still have the high road. The words "liberal" and "tax" still evoke the emotions we desire when they are heard, thanks to our patrons like Barry Goldwater and Ronald Reagan. Oh, Reagan! Make sure you guard what people remember about him! Our modern version is much better than the real thing, believe me.

I know there have been many calls to purge the so-called extremists from our ranks, the people such as Richard Mourdock, Todd Akin and Sharron Angle. Do you notice how they're all aimed at people with religious faith? This is just anti-Christian prejudice from our godless foes! To give in is to let them win.

We worked hard to get our party associated with Christianity, and we've had to give up so little in return. Think about it: They vote for us in droves, simply because we say we're against abortion and gay marriage, in favor of school prayer and displaying the 10 Commandments. Just say "traditional values," and their little ears perk up. But what have they got in return? Is abortion illegal? Gay marriage? If anything, things are going the other way! But we still have the Christians firmly in our camp.

(I do note, with some concern, that there are some in the church who have noticed that the teachings of Jesus are somewhat incongruent with our party's values. Luckily, they are still the minority, but keep an eye on them. They preach an extreme loyalty to something higher than one's country or oneself, and that's always a dangerous message.)

It's a given that if anybody comes to our party, it must be on our terms. We cannot alter what we believe to broaden our appeal; others must compromise what they want to join us.

Take immigration, for example. There are some in our party who want us to embrace amnesty! Can you imagine what our base would say if we did that? (Yes, I know Reagan did it; mind what I said about remembering the real Reagan, would you?) It's our opponents who offer the gift of a pathway to citizenship, but in so doing, they've already lost.

Instead, we must continue doing what we've always done, advertising our party as the natural place for Hispanics because of our shared beliefs, our faith, our support for entrepreneurs, our (wait for it!) "traditional values." If they sign up for that, we've got them for good, and we don't have to give anything in return.

So, cheer up. Things may look bleak for us now, and we're beset by deserters and opportunists on all sides. (Does Jeb Bush really think the country is going to triple down on that family name?) We'll purge them when the time comes. Whoever said politics is a game of addition was probably a Democrat, and we know they won't win in the long run, because victory belongs to us. Someday. Someday.

Affectionately, Luce

Steve Sebelius is a Review-Journal political columnist and author of the blog SlashPolitics.com. Follow him on Twitter (@SteveSebelius) or reach him at (702) 387-5276 or ssebelius@reviewjournal.com.)