Top 12 alternative mascots for UNLV

Now that we’ve got full funding for a medical school, a top-rated law school, and a new hotel college building coming soon, clearly all problems at UNLV are solved except for that vexing mascot issue! And clearly, Hey Reb has got to go!

I mean, he doesn’t look like a cartoon wolf or a Confederate general anymore. (The mascot dates to the creation of Nevada Southern University breaking off from its Northern counterpart, and when you pit North against South, naturally the Confederacy is your marketing model.) But in the wake of South Carolina church shootings, people are re-examining anything even remotely related to the Confederacy, which is what prompted U.S. Sen. Harry Reid to call for finding a new mascot.

Ever helpful, SlashPolitics is proud to present a list of possible alternative mascots for UNLV for the consideration of the public, the university and the Nevada System of Higher Education. Starting with…

1. The chupacabra! This mythical desert beast inspires fear from the instant you first see it. A large, lizard-like creature with big eyes and a row of spines running from its head to its tail, the chupacabra reportedly feeds on the blood of goats and sheep. Perhaps the only downside is that Southern Nevada isn’t exactly known for its goat and sheep population, which means there probably aren’t too many chupacabras here. Or anywhere. OK, then, how about…

2. The dragon! Everybody who watches “Game of Thrones” knows the dragon is the end-all, be-all beast, inspiring fear and wonder in peoples on both sides of the Narrow Sea. They can fly, they can breathe fire and they are hard to kill. There are some marketing downsides: The dragon is associated with the devil in the Bible, specifically in the book of Revelation, where it makes war against the angels of heaven. Also, they don’t really exist. So…

3. The scorpion! Now we’ve got plenty of those little bastards around this town, and they are totally real. Their multiple legs and curved tail, tipped by a painful stinger, inspires fear, so check that box. The only downside? Do you really want a sports team that could be associated with a German heavy-metal band, an association that would damn near obligate us to play “Rock You Like a Hurricane” at every game? Yeah, totally. So…

UPDATE: Several readers claimed via Facebook and Twitter that this mascot is already taken, by something known as the “Nevada State College.” I was skeptical at first, having not heard of it, but further research has revealed that it not only exists, but it is a full-fledged part of the Nevada System of Higher Education! And it’s been around since 2002, and is based right here in my own adopted hometown of Henderson! Apparently, it has already claimed the scorpions mascot (the stinging insect, not the German metal band). Well, you learn something new every day!

4. The Blue Men! For obvious reasons, no.

5. The whale! Nothing could be more closely associated with Southern Nevada than the whale. In fact, it might be said that our entire city might not even exist without them. But the image of a well-heeled, chain-smoking, overweight Chinese tourist with a fist-full of yellow and gray chips doesn’t exactly inspire fear. So maybe not so much the whale. What? What did you think I was talking about? Maybe…

6. The Vegas cab driver! They are real, they are everywhere and they certainly inspire fear in anybody who’s lived her for more than 20 minutes and seen them drive! And now that Uber has been legalized and their control of the transportation market is in jeopardy, they’re even more pissed off than usual. The Vegas Cabbies could apply a full-court press at all times, long-hauling the offense up and down the court! And of course they’d be on the phone the whole time. Not heroic enough? Well, there’s always…

7. The actual rebels. You know, from “Star Wars.” Those guys are bad ass. They defeated the Emperor Palpatine, Darth Vader and the dark side of the Force, not to mention blowing up the Death Star — twice! Just take old Hey, Reb’s gun and give him a lightsaber and the keys to an X-wing fighter, and we’re ready to lock s-foils into attack position against any team in the division. And may the Force be with us! OK, there may be some copyright issues with that one, so let’s put a pin in that and instead consider…

8. The wild horse! Southern Nevada is known for its population of graceful, majestic wild horses, roaming the desert and reveling in their freedom while resisting the Bureau of Land Management’s efforts to herd them into government pens by rangers using a “M*A*S*H”-era helicopter. Then again, the lack of water and food has left a lot of these noble beasts emaciated, and the whole desert/freedom/resisting the BLM thing is a little too Cliven Bundy, so…

9. Hey, what about Cliven Bundy! A racist white guy in a big hat? Isn’t that what we’re trying to get away from? OK, moving on to…

10. The mobster! Sure, they’re long gone from Southern Nevada, now that even more insidious and lawless people have taken over (Wall Street corporations). But time was you couldn’t swing a dead rat (the informer type, not the rodent) without hitting a member of La Costa Nostra in Las Vegas. Pinstripe suits, fedoras, violin cases and a mysterious bulge on the hip would complete the look, while “take the gun, leave the canoli” would make an awesome chant. Obviously, the downside here is anti-Italian-American prejudice, and since I’m part Italian, let’s forget this one and, maybe, think about…

11. The space alien! We’ve all heard the rumors that bodies of aliens who crashed in Roswell in 1947 are stored at Area 51, the distant airfield at which experimental aircraft are supposedly tested. That idea was a theme of the 1996 blockbuster “Independence Day.” Aliens are cool, mysterious and who wouldn’t want to threaten our athletic rivals with kidnapping/anal probes? Still, many people insist that aliens don’t exist, and the Las Vegas 51s baseball team already has claimed aliens as part of its franchise, so, why not consider…

12. The desert tortoise! That’s right, Southern Nevada’s own special animal. They are everywhere (that has not been developed into a red-roofed subdivision or a big mall that people insist on calling “downtown,” even though there’s a real downtown already). Tortoises are cool-looking and they are perfectly adapted for desert living. The only problems? They are slow-moving and don’t really inspire fear, which we need. So that’s why we’re going to get a ringer, a special desert tortoise. Ever heard of Gamera? That’s right, people, the giant ass-kicking turtle from Godzilla movies starting back in the 1960s? Dude can fly! He can walk on his hind legs! He’s got teeth! He can shoot fireballs from his mouth, and his shell is nearly impregnable!

I think we have our winner! Hey, Reb! Move over and make room for Mohave Max’s big, bad brother!

UPDATE: Bonus choice, the sage grouse! I first saw my colleague Arnold Knightly, editor of the Pahrump Valley Times, mention this on Facebook, and I thought it was brilliant. Think about it: “You are not allowed to tackle our quarterback, or even touch any of our offensive line, because we are all protected species and this field is our habitat! If you don’t like it, talk to those BLM rangers on the sidelines!” Everything would be awesome until the Cliven Bundy-themed team showed up with shotguns.

UPDATE: And how could I have forgotten those unbelievably awesome, fast-burrowing, man-eating underground monsters from the underrated movie series “Tremors”? Called Graboids by the cast, they hunt by sound, live in the Nevada desert and can’t be killed except by heavy weapons (an elephant gun, homemade explosives). Now those guys are bad ass. Keep them on the list, UNLV!