Why can’t we just beam up instead?

I sure hope students at what’s now being called the John Lee North Las Vegas College of Useful Arts &Stuff (motto: Our Name Says It All!) are working hard to develop new transportation ideas for the valley, because we sure need them.

Project Neon (motto: Have You Considered Riding Horses?) will soon commence, slowly and meticulously closing every road into downtown. Valleywide construction continues on nearly all roads simultaneously, scheduled to finish in time for voters to forget the pain when they go to the polls in November to decide whether to approve more road-repair money.

And now we have to pay to park when we go see the new Las Vegas hockey team at the T-Mobile Arena!

When will the transporter be invented again? Because driving around this town is enough to make me seriously consider allowing a machine to convert me into a beam of energy.

Some recent Las Vegas transportation-related stories have a much more 20th-century feel, however.

The Las Vegas monorail (motto: Same As Disneyland, Minus the Fun), always struggling for ridership and relevancy, wants to extend its 3.9-mile line to the Mandalay Bay Events Center. This actually kind of makes sense: Linking the city’s convention centers would allow bigger shows to spread out over more space, and would offer guests of Excalibur, Luxor and Mandalay Bay (which are already linked by a people-mover train) car-free access to conventions.

The only trouble? The monorail’s bankruptcy makes selling bonds at decent rates nearly impossible.

But the monorail has an idea: Use the good credit rating of the Regional Transportation Authority (motto: Expect Delays!) to borrow money.

Normally, a proposal like that would prompt elected officials to ask if monorail officials had first explored all other options, including leprechaun-hunting and magic-bean selling. Instead, the RTC is eagerly studying the idea.

“The reason that we are considering this is because we’re in a very healthy position as a company, and extending the system to Mandalay Bay improves that position for the company,” said monorail spokeswoman Ingrid Reisman.

And by “healthy position,” of course she means, “it’s our last option before selling our blood plasma. Pretty please?”

Meanwhile, if you’re among that narrow group of people who want to take the train to Victorville, Calif., the wait might be a little longer. The Xpress West, formerly known as the Desert Xpress, formerly known as the Victorville? Are You Kidding Me Right Now? Xpress, has cut ties with the Chinese company that was supposed to finance some of the high-speed train’s $8 billion price tag.

Construction magnate Tony Marnell (motto: Never Surrender!) said in a statement that this setback won’t slow him down any more than the fact that his train’s initial terminus is in Victorville. “XpressWest is undeterred by this development and remains dedicated to completing its high-speed passenger rail project,” Marnell said. “XpressWest will now aggressively pursue other available development partnerships and options expected to result in a more efficient and cost-effective project implementation experience.”

That’s what we need. Because when we’re stuck in traffic, sweating in the Las Vegas desert heat as tires melt on the asphalt, what we’re all really thinking while fiddling with the A/C controls is, “God, I wish somebody would pursue some development partnerships and options to bring me a more efficient and cost-effective implementation experience so I can hop on the monorail, ride to Mandalay Bay and catch the last train for Victorville!”

At least that town has less traffic.

Steve Sebelius is a Review-Journal political columnist and co-host of “PoliticsNOW,” airing at 5:30 p.m. Sundays on 8NewsNow. Follow him on Twitter (@SteveSebelius) or reach him at 702-387-5276 or SSebelius@reviewjournal.com.